How Much for a Kilo?

Crackberry revived. Well, not revived, but resent. Sweet.

My Heart Aches

It's close to a year now since we've broken up and not once did we talk. I don't know what it is or why it is...but my heart never healed and not for one single day did I forget about you. Is this a sign of a mistake that our stubborn selves created? Are you happy? Are you ok? How is life?

I can't bear the sight of you without having my heart thump. I saw a girl walking outside the other day that looked like you and I couldn't catch my breath for 15 minutes. I see a girl at the gym that looks like you and I end my workout. I don't have the strength or courage to even confirm that it is you. I hid your updates of any sort on facebook. I see the name Sandra and my insides ring for a split second. I debate endlessly whether I should talk to you or not and I always conclude it's not a good idea. My phone breaks and the only number I know off by heart is yours. Is it even still the same number?

Today, for the first time, I gathered up enough courage to go on your profile on facebook. I just wanted to know if you're doing well...if you're ok...if you've made new friends and good friends. Karen once told me that you looked happy from your facebook updates and I told her to stop there. I was too cowardly to hear about your life. On your birthday I wanted to say happy birthday. I wanted to take you out...I wanted to say hi.

On my birthday, there was a slight want in my heart that you'd say hi to me too. It didn't happen. Maybe it wasn't meant to happen.

There's been so many times that I tried to like other girls. No use. You're irreplaceable to me...even if some day I get married to another woman I truly love...I still think that you forever claimed a piece of my heart. I realized the other day that there is a possibility that no other girl after you will be able to fully own my love. Whether that is a hurt soul talking or reality, only time will tell.

Why blog about something ridiculous like this? Because I put on a smile...I'm loud and cheerful. I wear a mask to hide the hurt. My closest friend's are still confused to as why I'm still caught up. I don't know. I'm desperate to stop this hurting because it's eating my soul away.

Sound Julie's Ring Tone: Sudden Epiphany

Khang and I were watching Naruto and through a freaking cartoon I realized something so huge about myself. Ready?

I have an odd attraction to girls who are quiet and reserved. Girls that don't speak much but have plenty of deep thoughts and are kind and gentle but scared to show it. I guess opposites do attract because I talk plenty but have next to no deep thoughts and I'm not kind nor gentle and am not scared to show it =).

But yea, I never would have thought that I'm attracted to the standard labeled awkward silent girl. It's so funny because as soon as I told Khang he threw back at me "ESTHER OH?" HAHAHAHA.

Esther Oh is NOT that type of girl guys. Cmon now.

Anyway, the girl in Naruto is Hinata. Have no clue why I find her so cute...her shyness really gets to me. Oh, and the best part: when girls like that gather up courage and strength to do something outside of their own shy bubble..it's the most inspirational thing ever. Makes me feel like I can do anything for her because she's willing to risk her comfort for me.

Yea, before you make fun of me for liking a girl in anime...y'all dream of vampires with Kim Jong Il hair and shit. We're even.

Dear Self

What happened to you? I see your shell and nothing inside.

You used to be so much stronger and strong willed. Has one bump on the road crippled you for good? Your drive, commitment, hunger and willpower melted away with the snow from past seasons.

You preach integrity and honor yet cannot even hold up your own standards 80% of the time. I only ask you to do well 80% of the time and you can't. Stop failing yourself.

Humble your mind and accept your inadequacies. Open your heart and accept others. Having a soft heart isn't good enough. You need hard hands to carry out that will.  Don't pity yourself and play victim; it isn't an excuse to be passive. It'd ridiculous that you have to write yourself a letter and show others how weak you are. But you need it. If other people see the ugly you will be forced to change.

I think life has dwindled you down. Before you thought you were Atlas and could carry the world on your shoulders; only now to realize you need support from those around you. Too proud to seek it; too foolish to accept it.

You think that finding the right girl will mitigate all this ugliness you possess. Who are you kidding? No girl should be with you with this much darkness burdened onto them. They don't deserve to share your baggage.

Mistakes were made. You can't change it. This is the ugly truth and said so harshly to yourself for the world to see. Keep your head up kid, you still have a long way to go. Every choice we make has a good and evil consequence. Just make sure you try your best to lean towards the light.

Oh, and stop falling for girls so easily. You idiot.

Frustration

Makes life interesting, doesn't it?

Never Change

Lots of things change...but I don't think I'll ever lose my love for some good rnb music. It touches the soul and soothes the mind. Love it.

1000 Years From Now

My heart has lost its pace,
and dreams has lost its freedom.
Our love that ended too soon,
will be kept a promise unspoken;
carried into a thousand years after.

My powerlessness gives ways to floods of regrets,
as I await here in the ruins,
for you to walk towards me.
The light refracting from my tears,
won't contain enough of the love you deserve.

Because a thousand years from now,
I'll have been long gone from this earth.
Unable to tenderly lead your hands,
or softly kiss your forehead.

Don't wait until a thousand years has passed,
when the world will have long forgotten me.
When the dusk of the deserts have turned red,
will there be someone who could save me;
from a thousand years of loneliness?

What a Night

I get a call around 2am from a friend that I had feelings for before but she rejected me. She sounded shaken and nervous...kind of sad and lonely. I didn't know what happened to her nor did I bother to ask.

"Hey...can you come out for a bit?"
"Ummm...uhhh...k."

In my head I was screaming "Are you fricken serious?? It's 2am. I have work tomorrow!" But I knew inside she wouldn't act like this unless it was something important. I had to go.

I get dressed and walk out the door like a zombie. The drive over to pick her up was only 5-10 minutes but seemed like an hour as I fought to keep my eyes open.

I pick her up; awkward silence. Finally to cut through the thick like cement atmosphere I bust out the trusty line:

"What's up?"
"Can we go to the park?"
Hendon park - the place for late night strolls and long talks about anything and everything. We go.

I pop my trunk open to grab my blanket for her since 2:30 am is unsuspectingly cold. We walk around the park with light conversation underlined by a heavy undertone of unspoken thoughts. I try my hardest to use my super power of mind reading but it seems like my powers only work in NORMAL FRICKEN HOURS.

She catches my eye staring at her trying to dissect her mind. Her lips open with a light sigh, a brief pause
"...Hey, do you think...you and I, we could...you know..."
"...BANG? K!"
"...."
"Sorry."
"I know last time I didn't give you a chance...but I think now I'm ready."

Funny she thinks that all revolves around her. Funny she thinks my feels and views on life and the world are the same. Funny she thinks I'm the one sitting here waiting for her on my knees.

"Love waits for no one." I said.
"...."
"I guess this is how it turns out, you know? We weren't meant to be. The right time for me wasn't the right time for you...and now that the time's right for you...the time for me has already passed."

She looks at me in hatred as if I just treated her like scum. I'm perplexed. What did she want me to do? Lie to her?

Her lips quivered the rest of the night and ride home. I couldn't bear to look at her because I don't like seeing people sad. Yet at the same time there was no ounce of remorse coming from me because I had no feelings for her anymore. My heart was cold and set like stone. I didn't budge nor did I reconsider.

We're in front of her place and it's now 3:30 am. She wouldn't get out of the car. Sitting there in silence, we both looked forward at the street lights turning yellow, green, red.

"I said no back then because I was afraid" she says to me.
Yellow, green, red. I thought...or is it green, red, yellow?
"I didn't want to jeopardize anything between us and it didn't seem realistic for us, you know, given our circumstances"
No, it's definitely red, yellow green.

Am I heartless? A little. Was she heartless? A little. That's how love works. It waits for no one and it folds for no one. Just because I wanted to be with her back then doesn't mean she would me. Now is the same situation.

"Love waits for no one" I said again.
I give her a faint smile that was as cold as ice.
"Good night" I said.
Her eyes attempt to pierce my calloused heart as she was about to leave. Unaffected, I continue to smile
"Bye."

It was completely unexpected that it'd happen last night. I didn't think it would ever happen. The timing of it was utterly baffling. Why now? Why not when I liked you? Thus fate turns in circles to those seeking love like a unreachable goal. Wouldn't it have been so much easier if we all liked each other at the same time? One can dream.

Sigh. Work, I thought.

25 ThingSunSpoken

These are things I've learned over the years. Thought I'd share them with you =).

1. We all make judgement calls based on limited information. The person zooming past others in a traffic jam in the shoulder lane is always an asshole until you find out their mother is in her last moments of life on earth.

2. Try.

3. If you're experimenting, do it all the way. If you're playing a role, make it convincing.

4. Lie enough and it'll become the truth.

5. Don't be scared to compliment as long as it is sincere.

6. Don't be scared to accept compliments. You deserved it - as long as it is sincere.

7. Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, and faithful in prayer.

8. Logical actions beget logical outcomes.

9. Irrational actions lead to irrational outcomes: that includes miracles.

10. Honesty, loyalty, friends and then wealth. Death before dishonor and I'll tell you what else.

11. Small things matter - actions that mean nothing to you could make or break someone else's day.

12. Be confident in yourself.

13. Be humble at heart.

14. Wisdom is knowing that you know nothing.

15. Inspire or be inspired.

16. Take a day once in a while to redirect your life to where you hope to be.

17. Don't mistaken the WANT to love with true love. It will cost you dearly.

18. Best friends make excellent boyfriends and girlfriends. Those who think otherwise are cowards and full of shit.

19. The higher the risk, the higher the reward. Don't end up sitting there pretending airplanes are shooting stars.

20. Treat your parents better. One day they WILL be gone.

21. Do what you can, as much as you can, whenever you can.

22. Dare to dream, dream to do.

23. Hold her hands, look her in the eyes.

24. If you must regret, regret from overdoing instead of not doing enough.

25. Touch the soul.

I Rarely Do This Truthfully, But...

=)

Cute

http://www.realsimple.com/work-life/family/relationships/edwards-00000000027794/index.html


It's a picture of myself.

Suddenly I Understand

The mind can trick the heart, but only briefly.

1) You can convince yourself you're in love with someone; but only briefly and then it disappears.

2 ) At the same time, you can convince yourself you don't love someone...only to realize you're kidding yourself.

Someone told me once that 2 can only come after 1 in a biblical context and that saying has stuck with me.

In my understanding of this sudden epiphany, it was also the same. I tried 1 and only after that I realized 2.

1 didn't hurt. 2 haunts me still.