Saturday, January 30, 2010

What is to Become of Us

Ever want power? I know I do. I want immense power, not the type to influence a few people, but the kind to attract attention and change the course of powerful people's perspectives. THAT kind of power. But power corrupts...and absolute power corrupts absolutely.

This is a quotation from Lord Acton, in a letter to Bishop Mandell Creighton, 1887:
"Power tends to corrupt, and absolute power corrupts absolutely. Great men are almost always bad men."
Acton was preceded by William Pitt the Elder, who voiced a similar thought in a House of Lords speech in 1770:
"Unlimited power is apt to corrupt the minds of those who possess it; and this I know, my lords, that where laws end, tyranny begins."

And what of that? Check this movie out...
It's a movie about power, bond, and corruption. A Jackie Chan movie, but not your typical light hearted ones like we're used to. This is similar to Chingoo if you've seen it.

Let me say this much,

"I never asked for nothin I don't demand of myself
Honesty, loyalty, friends and then wealth
Death before dishonor and I tell you what else
I tighten my belt 'fore I beg for help
Foolish pride is what held me together through the years
I wasn't felt which is why I ain't never played myself
I just play the hand I'm dealt, I can't say I've never knelt
before God and asked for better cards at times to no avail
But I never sat back feelin sorry for myself
If you don't give me heaven I'll raise hell

'Til it's heaven"

Yes, right now it's honesty, loyalty, friends and then wealth...will those values still hold once there's power seeping through my fingers?

A man who's willing to raise hell til it's heaven is a man that is open to corruption by power. God protect me from evil doings and that I may shy my eyes away from them. Let me not have power until my heart can handle it; for it'd truly be a waste for someone to use Your power whilst his mind is open to corruption. I want power. Give me power. But give me a humble heart first.

Thursday, January 28, 2010

A Loss for Words

Sometimes even the wordiest of people like myself will be at a loss for words. Some situations, some people, some hurt...wordless.

To people who make a tasteless joke, what do I say to that? To someone I'm falling for...when I look into their eyes, what do I say to that? To someone who's heart hurts so much that they tremble, what do I say to that?

Sometimes...we say nothing. We sit and stare and take in the situation. We cringe to that awkward reality that someone really finds that joke funny. We revel in love as we stare into the eyes that gives us butterflies. We endure the piercing pain as those trembles strikes our heart.

But you know what? Sometimes we don't really need words. Sometimes we leave words unspoken...but those around us will hear it louder and clearer than anything we could really say.

"Holy sh-- you're SO friggen awkward."

"Thank God I've found you."

"Hey, it's ok. We'll get through it together."

Tuesday, January 26, 2010

Bring it Back, WAYYY Back

"What do you mean wayyyyyyyy back? These songs are from 2001! Most of us was just in high school or something!"

2001 was 9 years ago. Remember in 2001 when we listened to songs in 92'? Way back play back friends, time flies. Let's make our time count yea?

These were the under appreciated songs in 01, drowned by some epic releases that year. Now that I'm older and I go back to songs of that year, I appreciate these songs more and more. Third song's jokes, see if you remember =).

Also, I will no longer do daily "Readings" on this blog. I'll only blog it if it provokes serious thought. Makes it more interesting for you guys right? Because I know you get all giddy when you see a blog update but then come here and read one line like "pwned" and then feel empty...Kind of like when I see a hot girl from the back then walk forward and realize SURPRISE SHES UGLY/12/MY COUSIN/A GUY. Only the first one happened in real life for the record...yea.

Monday, January 25, 2010

China and its Rise to Power <- Readings Exodus 22-24

In Exodus, God tells the people that his Angel will be sent down and for them to obey him AKA Jesus...and if the people do what Jesus says, he will grant them blessings, make them multiply and come to great power.

Now...with all the strong underground churches in China, will God fulfill the same promise? I can tell you from personal experience that Chinese Christians in China (whoa easy there alliteration, you sneaky little bastard) are very, very faithful. And it is quite evident that in recent years China has been more than blessed with its economic beasting and finally a competent leader. As more Christians arise in China and as China becomes more powerful...will the demons of the people in the land come out? Hunger for power from China will be the beginning of the End Days. Some how, I feel a Chinese leader will end up being the false prophet.

Sunday, January 24, 2010

Readings Exodus 16-21

How many commandments have I broken? So many. Take your guess =P.

Friday, January 22, 2010

Thank You

Thanks guys for the support and reading of this blog. It's kept me accountable many times on my readings =). But as we take support from those around us we have to get stronger on our own. I can now keep myself accountable and will do my readings without this blog needing to remind me.

Nothing will really change though, just wanted to give credit where it's due. Cheers to you, and you and you and you and you and you and you and you and you and you and you and you...I lied. Not that many "you"s read my blog.


Readings Exodus 13-15

Pharaoh is the embodiment of sin...we're like the ones running away lead by Moses. Whoa.

Thursday, January 21, 2010

Readings Exodus 10-12

Omg I'm so glad I'm not Jewish. So. Many. Rules.

A Beautiful Thing Happened Today at Work

On Tuesday, at prayer meeting, I prayed to God about those at my work and for Him to show His glory and peace through me. Instead of holding a monologue per usual, I asked Him to show me a sign that He's there changing know what happened today?

At lunch, the receptionist said randomly and out of nowhere:
"Kevin, you know what? I don't know much about religion but I go to church...and I talk to God. I pray for those in need and I pray for strength to overcome hardships. When I'm in church I feel so much..." her tears started to tear up and her voice began to break.
"At peace?" I added. Her furrowed brows eased as she slowly exhaled and told me with a faint smile "Yes, peace."

She asked more questions regarding Christianity and Catholicism and I answered. These few months of reading the bible every day REALLY helped in the convo. I felt God stirring fiercely within her. When she told me these things it was like pain was uplifted from her heavy heart...she had someone to share with. I showed her love and understanding and kept my new year resolution of being wise in God and not in myself.

God answered me again by giving me a sign of confirmation. We could have had this conversation any time from the day I started working. But it happened today, after I asked for a sign.

Thanks God, keeping it real.



Wednesday, January 20, 2010

Tuesday, January 19, 2010

Vision: To Rid This World of Pain / Mission: Turn pain into strength and love for the weak.

Often times we pray for God to hear us and answer us don't we? I know I do plenty of times. But usually, nothing comes back and we go on and about our lives just like before. When that happens for a long time, we don't even stop to think about "what if God DOES answer me?" Well today, He did to me. And hell, I'm frustrated and angry. Dreading the fact that He responded to me.

1) One of the closest people to me is devastated and in great pain right now because his uncle had just been diagnosed with liver cancer. No, it doesn't look good, well as "good" as any cancer can look. What do I pray for? Do I pray for peace in the hearts of the family and my friend? Do I pray for a miracle and cure? Well, a year ago, my cousin who was 23 got diagnosed with brain cancer. What did I do back then? I prayed for peace in people's hearts. Why didn't I pray for a miracle? I didn't want to hate or blame God if He didn't grant it to me. In other words, ye of little faith. Now this time around, it is the same reason my friend doesn't want to pray for the same miracle. Well not me this time. I won't let my fear of blaming God stop me from faithfully praying for a miracle. Some of you may say "get real" to me and I can only retort "get God." I said this to God during prayer meeting today and you know what He said to me?

"Prove to me you have faith."
"Fine. What shall I do?"
"You know your vice, give it up as proof."
"...Dood, wtf..."

Do YOU know what my vice is? Well, it's what every guy suffers from. Do YOU know how hard it is to give it up? Only guys that have tried can attest to that. But let me say this: I will do anything to rid my friend of pain. And so I will. I hate it. But I will.

2) As I was praying for Pastor John my prayer dialog went something like this

"Lord, help John and our church to bring in the lost and hurt. Help him with Your guiding hand and br..."
"Are you a man of action or just talk?"
"I talk and do, always."
"Then why don't YOU bring in the lost and hurt?"
"I'm bad at finding the lost things. I can't even find my lost things. Where are my gym gloves?"
"Yeah, you suck at that. But what is your greatest asset?"
"My strong heart. Pain will not hold me down. I will destroy it"
"Then go and destroy the pain for others as you have always done for your friends."
"...You're right. Is this what You have in mind for me?"
"I called you to help kids in poverty not for poverty sake. It was to take away pain. You're calling is to take pain away from  others with your strong heart, not just hunger struck, malnourished kids."
"EFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF. FINE. I'll do it. But make this covenant with me: I will admit you have blessed me with a heart strong enough to carry the heaviest burdens. But I, too, break sometimes. I WANT to take away pain from people theres no doubt...but I need a partner who I can fall back on too. Give me a loving and beautiful wife whom I can fall back on no matter what the situation and I shall do whatever it is you ask of me to rid this world of pain"
"Done deal. You got the short end of the stick."

And so the covenant was made. I'm thinking of starting a new ministry at church. A ministry that will bring in the hurt and we'll just let everything go. Ground rules will have to be set but all who come will not be judged. The pain will be used and turned into something good through the glory of God. And yet, before I start this ministry I have some pain of my own that I must destroy. Covenant was made and as God keeps his words, I too shall keep mine. I'm going to talk to John when he's back and I'll keep you guys posted.

Dear God,

You are an ass sometimes. You KNOW my heart and that I'm a stubborn mule when it comes to justice. You leverage that to make me do things. Glory to your wise ways =). Thank you. Even though I don't want to do it and I'm afraid...I choose to follow your will. Here on earth as it is in heaven.

Readings Exodus 1-6


...anyone watch that episode of Fresh Prince where Carlton is singing that song?

Then they land in jail and Carlton does it again.

Anyway, God uses the most incapable beings to do his bidding as long as they are faithful. After all, we're just a vessel for His glory when the time comes to perform. PHARAOH PHARAOH...LET MY PEOPLE GO!

p.s. Moses' lips were uncircumcised. NKJ ftw.

Monday, January 18, 2010

Endure the Pain a Little Longer

Yesterday's service was undoubtedly influenced by the Haiti disaster that happened in the past week. Those who know me will know that I have a heart for the truly weak and poor. Yes, I have generally no sympathy for those who are begging in first world countries because they can work hard and get out of their self pitying lives. But those in the 4th and 5th world? No chance. My heart breaks because justice is not being served and life isn't fair for them.

As pictures shot up onto the screen I didn't even pay attention to what Young was saying. Blah blah blah. The praise band's music faded. Pent up inside of me was anger, regret, sadness, and anxiety. The more it was bottled up the worse it got...until all of the built up emotions squeezed its way through my eyes.

I was so angry at how our church decided to sensor how really devastating the situation is. Sure facts were thrown out. But the images? They were soft. No blood, no tears, no pain. Just people carrying other people, buildings collapsed and landscape shots.

Worse than the anger, regret kicked in. What am I doing with my life? Why am I not there pulling people out of the rubbles? Why am I not there strategizing for World Vision? I regret not taking that financial analyst position at World Vision. I could be making a difference NOW. UGH.

Then I was sad. Sad at the fact that I bailed on what my heart tells me to do. I betrayed my feelings and now I'm in pain because I'm away from pain. Why so cowardly? Am I avoiding pain subconsciously? Maybe I'm not cut out for this anyway...

No, screw this. I'm going to help right after my contract is done this year. I'm not resigning for another term after this. I'm going to go overseas and help those in need.

NO, CALM DOWN. Thundering voice cut through the anxiety in my head. RELAX, THINK IT THROUGH.
I remember praying about this when I first realized that I'm going to help the ones in pain. God told me to build myself up to be powerful and influential. Then I will gather capable men and women and make a difference. His power in me is not now. So when I see images, videos and news of all those enduring pain across the globe, I too need to do the same. I stay here to become a little stronger, a little smarter, and a little wiser so that one day I'll go out with a bang. A rock can be worn down by continuous drops of water; but, it too can be destroyed by an explosion from pent up force. I'm meant for the latter. And so I continue to build up the pain, pressure and wisdom.

Readings Gen 48-50

Genisis is complete. So many wrong doings. Will man be more righteous as time goes on? Do the sins of our forefathers become diluted the longer it is passed down? Stay tuned for the next episode of DRAGONBALL Z.

Saturday, January 16, 2010

Readings Gen 46-47

Uhhhhhh....the bible teaches about business. So funny. Food = 20% equity stake in times of no food. I'd say he took it easy on the Egyptians...Joseph my man, you are a good business guru. I should have been named Joseph.

I don't look like a Joseph though. What do I look like?

Friday, January 15, 2010

Readings Gen 43-45

Joseph forgives so easily after being wronged so hard...can we do that? Doubt it.

Thursday, January 14, 2010

Readings Gen 41-42

I think there's a deep lesson here...somehow I can't put my finger on it though...

Wednesday, January 13, 2010

1-2-3, 1-2-3.

This is the first song I hear when I turn on my BB music app. It's so soothing, I love it. It puts things into my pace  again. Not too fast, not too slow. Not too loud, not too soft.

And this is how I treat life. There are times when life's really bland and boring...I guess I pick up the pace a little and entertain myself. Then other times life gets a little too hectic to handle. Some people freak out and lose their cool. I put on my imaginary headphones and count 1-2-3, 1-2-3. Tackle the problem few steps at a time. No matter how big it'll get done if you just keep at it with your own pace. The important thing is to still dance the dance and not just flail your arms and give up right?

A peaceful song with no one to share with...a lonely waltz with no one to dance with. 1-2-3, 1-2-3.

Readings Gen 38-40

Honestly, old testament is SO freaking weird. It's like it skips stories and just cuts to the end.
Anyway peep this:
"But Onan knew that the heir would not be his; and it came to pass, when he went in to his brother’s wife, that he emitted on the ground, lest he should give an heir to his brother. 10 And the thing which he did displeased the LORD; therefore He killed him also. "

HAHAHA God doesn't play around. 

Also, the bible says "Let me come into you" for sleeping with a woman. THAT's where that word originated from. PWN.

Tuesday, January 12, 2010

Readings Gen 35-37

I really wonder if we'd do the evil things these people did had there been no law enforcements. I can't understand how small and petty these fools are.

Readings Gen 32-34

I totally forgot to make an entry yesterday, but I read.

Anyway...old testament is really confusing.

Monday, January 11, 2010

Winter Whispers

Howling winds with blades hidden amidst its each raging call cuts through my face. Winter, you've arrived again. The blistering cold and I battle each other on and on as I stubbornly walk towards the wind without covering my face "I CAN TAKE YOU" I exclaim in my mind. With snot unknowingly edging towards my upper lip I finally find shelter. Warmth and relief thaws my frozen body as I realize my vision turns blurry. Damnit my glasses fogged up. Winter, I hate you. You make me stubborn and make me sick. Then you make me look like a dork as people pass by looking at my frosted silver tinted glasses.

I hate you.

But somehow, Winter knows. She apologizes in her own way. She stops screaming at me and kindly whispers "I'm sorry" as her lips gently carry sparkling snow across the sky. Under the night light they shine and dance for my eyes to see. And as I walk and crunch my way through the fluffy snow it feels like she's giving me a massage for my weary feet. I can't help it but smile. Winter, your so oddly romantic and it hits my soft spot. Like a pretty girl that I can't seem to stay mad at, I instantly forgive her for mistreating me. Momentary relapse that I know I'll regret later. Because once she knows I've forgiven her, she'll flirt with danger again.

But at this moment, under the light, Winter you are so blissfully beautiful.

Why God isn't Third Culture

I bet people are wondering why I said the sermon was wack and God is not third culture. So this ones for you. Now third culture is one that is born out of 2 cultures; specifically, when someone cannot cope with having both at once, they squeeze out a new thing incorporating traits from both cultures. Essentially, it finds a bridge between the two worlds and allows understanding. Third culture's great, don't get me wrong, but God is NOT third culture. Third culture essentially means compromise between A and B. God does not compromise. He pwns. YOU compromise between your want to be Godly and your ungodly desires; hence, the struggle with the walk with Christ. Jesus came down and destroyed tradition. If He were third culture he would have blended Godly beliefs and traditional acts. But no, he rebukes those who follow tradition and not the Word.

It's sad already that someone would consider God third culture. That already says 1) our culture is not Godly. 2) God's belief is weak enough that it would blend with another. Saying God's third culture is another ploy to get people to Christianity...a scheme like prosperity gospel and make it sound nice and easy.

I understand Young's point in that third culture people can be more understanding because they can see both sides of the argument. Why yes, God is understanding. Understanding is His nature, he doesn't need to create a third culture to articulate that. That IS His culture.

We don't need to be third culture. That's just a label. We don't need labels either. We just need to be more understanding like those who are in third cultures. In fact, we should be like that in first cultures too. Why they're stubborn and stand up for things they believe in. We tend to cower when at times when we need to defend Jesus in a group don't we? We should probably be imitating the second culture too. The only reason they're second culture is because they boldly left their home. Yes, we should be bold in doing His will here on earth as it is in heaven too. OMG FOURTH CULTURE CREATED. No. We don't need to be in any culture created by man. But we do need to be understanding, fearless, and stand up for what we believe in.

God does not bend nor waver on his beliefs. God's culture is not numbered one, two, or three. God's culture is his to show. God's culture is ours to live.

Sunday, January 10, 2010

Readings Gen 30-31

Wtf...I'm so confused as to how God thinks lol.

Btw, God is NOT third culture. Today's sermon was wack.

Saturday, January 9, 2010

Friday, January 8, 2010

Readings Gen. 25-26

What is up with all these people lying about their wives being their sisters? So much for "Thou shall not lie."

In fact after the people found out they were so understanding. WTF? I'd be raging. Potentially, because of your cowardice I could have slept with your wife then get owned by God. Thanks a lot asshole. It's not even a white lie.

Then God blessed them, the liars. WADAFA.

Thursday, January 7, 2010

Wednesday, January 6, 2010

When Things Don't Go You're Way

*EDIT this post was for myself. I dislocated my shoulder today, again, at work and was crying like a little girl about it. I have a heart to hear others complain  but I'll have none of that from myself.

Stop crying like a little bitch. Stand up and walk. People have it worse. Don't be angry. Be grateful that God didn't plan it worse for you.

Here, feel my pain ;). This video does it justice I'd say. Shout out to James who feels my pain.

Readings Gen. 19-21

Ew...people of Sodom and Gomorrah. By the way, I finally understand when people cringe upon hearing certain words. Today I've discovered that word. Carnally. Ew, pwned myself.

Tuesday, January 5, 2010

What is going on?

Recently I've been waking up from my slumber every morning to myself singing. It's not the singing that throws me off...but every morning as soon as I wake up I find myself singing praise songs. No, not humming, actually singing the words. I can't even remember half the words to praise songs nor do I listen to them outside of Sunday. But somehow, some way, I wake up singing songs of praise. WADAFA? Brain Explowned.

Readings Gen. 16-18

HAHAHA this makes me laugh.

And the LORD said to Abraham, “Why did Sarah laugh, saying, ‘Shall I surely bear a child, since I am old?’ 14 Is anything too hard for the LORD? At the appointed time I will return to you, according to the time of life, and Sarah shall have a son.” 
15 But Sarah denied it, saying, “I did not laugh,” for she was afraid. 
And He said, “No, but you did laugh!”


Also, thoughts from yesterday...Abraham had some big ass conjes. He nags God about Sodom like no tomorrow.

 Then the men turned away from there and went toward Sodom, but Abraham still stood before the LORD. 23 And Abraham came near and said, “Would You also destroy the righteous with the wicked? 24 Suppose there were fifty righteous within the city; would You also destroy the place and not spare it for the fifty righteous that were in it? 25 Far be it from You to do such a thing as this, to slay the righteous with the wicked, so that the righteous should be as the wicked; far be it from You! Shall not the Judge of all the earth do right?” 
26 So the LORD said, “If I find in Sodom fifty righteous within the city, then I will spare all the place for their sakes.” 
27 Then Abraham answered and said, “Indeed now, I who am but dust and ashes have taken it upon myself to speak to the Lord: 28 Suppose there were five less than the fifty righteous; would You destroy all of the city for lack of five?” 
So He said, “If I find there forty-five, I will not destroy it.” 
29 And he spoke to Him yet again and said, “Suppose there should be forty found there?” 
So He said, “I will not do it for the sake of forty.” 
30 Then he said, “Let not the Lord be angry, and I will speak: Suppose thirty should be found there?” 
So He said, “I will not do it if I find thirty there.” 
31 And he said, “Indeed now, I have taken it upon myself to speak to the Lord: Suppose twenty should be found there?” 
So He said, “I will not destroy it for the sake of twenty.” 
32 Then he said, “Let not the Lord be angry, and I will speak but once more: Suppose ten should be found there?” 
And He said, “I will not destroy it for the sake of ten.” 33 So the LORD went His way as soon as He had finished speaking with Abraham; and Abraham returned to his place.

"Be a men, do da righ ting"

Monday, January 4, 2010


Some day, You'll be in everything to me. Don't bother with your rhetorical questions of "Why not today!?" STFU. It just won't be.

Such simple lyrics...such profound words. Complexity in simplicity found once again.

God in my living
There in my breathing
God in my waking
God in my sleeping

God in my resting
There in my working
God in my thinking
God in my speaking

God in my hoping
There in my dreaming
God in my watching
God in my waiting

God in my laughing
There in my weeping
God in my hurting
God in my healing

Christ in me the hope of glory
Be my everything

Readings Gen 8-15

Know what I admire about Leo? He asks and inquires without hesitation. That takes a lot of balls and somehow...with all my ballsness, I can't pull myself together and ask when I need to. Now if there were only concerning people, so be it. But one thing we tend to do when we ask God or pray about blessings is we always say "Dear Heavenly Father, please give me the blah blah blah blah" but we never ask about HOW we should receive that blessing. Know how I know people in the olden days had balls the size of melons? The Lord commands them and before they go into blindly following and being "obedient" they always make sure to ask "How shall I do that Lord?" BALLS. BIG. BALLS.


Got to get myself some.

Saturday, January 2, 2010

Readings Gen 4-7

Wonder what would have happened if Noah didn't listen.

But then again whats the use of wondering if all is written out already? Just get on with it then.

Friday, January 1, 2010

Readings Gen 1-3

A new year, an old beginning =).

I know I just started John but I decided to go beginning to end fresh this new year so we're at Genesis, which by the way, is one of my favorite words.

Anyway, I love reading Genesis too...It makes my mind wander and think of all that is said. I picture it. Awesome, naked people. But yea, it'd be nice to not know good and evil because we'd only be good. If I were Adam or Eve I would have taken from the tree of life instead. Live forever whist being good. Knowing evil back then would only allow people to do evil. So fail.

Those Eyes - [Fear (2%) Concern (2%) Hurt (2%) SOOOOOOOO SORRY (47%) Ugh, you're gross (47%)]

I'm a good guy right? I do nice things. I look out for my friends, I sponsor a third world child, I attend church, I have a job, I'm good to my family, I love dogs, I love walks on the beach, watching snow fall outside the window, sitting by a fireplace and all that jazz. Makes me a good guy, right?

I think so. But something deep down inside me that I didn't know existed surfaced recently. I brushed it off the first time it happened...but after last night I don't think I can anymore. And so the story goes like this: last night we were walking out of the club and some kid with a smashed face came charging towards me with a lunging hook (a type of punch for those who don't know...not an actual one). Who'd want to hit me? He did. Good thing I realized that a moment before he made contact or else I'd be less beautiful today. I dodged his punch for the most part but his pinky knuckle still grazed my face. No big deal. Was I angry? No, not one bit.

I wasn't raging like any other guy would. No, I'm worse than those idiots. I started to immediately look at the arm he swung at me with...strategically thinking of ways to make that arm useless for the rest of his life. How should I break it? Should I dislocate his shoulder FIRST, THEN break it? Oh wait, I think shattering each and every one of his finger joints would make it worse for him to live. Did I want him to die? No, not at all. I wanted him to live and suffer. Suffer for the rest of his life because he wronged me. But the scary thing is, I wasn't angry nor raging...this was thought while all sober and competent. I did the gentleman thing of course and told his friend that if he swung AGAIN at me, he will lose an arm. Deep down inside I wanted him to swing again. I wanted him to hurt and regret for the rest of his life that he wronged me. All this thought in my head for such a trivial wrong doing. Unforgiving. You will pay.

What kicked me out of this trance was those eyes. Out of all my years of knowing Esther, the only things her eyes ever said to me were "SOOOOOOOOOO SORRY" (50%) and "ugh, you're gross" (50%). But yesterday, the balance of those statistics shifted and changed. She held me and pleaded I stop. Did she see the evil inside my eyes? Did she feel the evil crawling out from my heart? I don't know. As she pleaded and looked deeply into my eyes, I saw fear. I saw concern. I saw hurt.

I couldn't bring myself to break a friend's heart and so love overcame evil. Love saved me from encouraging that darkness laying dormant inside. Her eyes burned my demon so hard I can't even explain. Regardless, I don't like what I saw. It disgusts me. Why am I like this? Why do I have to be a sinner? I don't want to be. But yesterday I didn't just kill a man in my mind, I tortured him for the rest of his known eternity. What is this evil inside? Get it away from me. I fear myself. And to those who wrong me ... I fear for you. I pray God will snatch this demon out of me and I pray that I fear God more than myself. Let Your love transcend this hideous evil inside of me. Please. I beg you. Amen.