I'm a good guy right? I do nice things. I look out for my friends, I sponsor a third world child, I attend church, I have a job, I'm good to my family, I love dogs, I love walks on the beach, watching snow fall outside the window, sitting by a fireplace and all that jazz. Makes me a good guy, right?
I think so. But something deep down inside me that I didn't know existed surfaced recently. I brushed it off the first time it happened...but after last night I don't think I can anymore. And so the story goes like this: last night we were walking out of the club and some kid with a smashed face came charging towards me with a lunging hook (a type of punch for those who don't know...not an actual one). Who'd want to hit me? He did. Good thing I realized that a moment before he made contact or else I'd be less beautiful today. I dodged his punch for the most part but his pinky knuckle still grazed my face. No big deal. Was I angry? No, not one bit.
I wasn't raging like any other guy would. No, I'm worse than those idiots. I started to immediately look at the arm he swung at me with...strategically thinking of ways to make that arm useless for the rest of his life. How should I break it? Should I dislocate his shoulder FIRST, THEN break it? Oh wait, I think shattering each and every one of his finger joints would make it worse for him to live. Did I want him to die? No, not at all. I wanted him to live and suffer. Suffer for the rest of his life because he wronged me. But the scary thing is, I wasn't angry nor raging...this was thought while all sober and competent. I did the gentleman thing of course and told his friend that if he swung AGAIN at me, he will lose an arm. Deep down inside I wanted him to swing again. I wanted him to hurt and regret for the rest of his life that he wronged me. All this thought in my head for such a trivial wrong doing. Unforgiving. You will pay.
What kicked me out of this trance was those eyes. Out of all my years of knowing Esther, the only things her eyes ever said to me were "SOOOOOOOOOO SORRY" (50%) and "ugh, you're gross" (50%). But yesterday, the balance of those statistics shifted and changed. She held me and pleaded I stop. Did she see the evil inside my eyes? Did she feel the evil crawling out from my heart? I don't know. As she pleaded and looked deeply into my eyes, I saw fear. I saw concern. I saw hurt.
I couldn't bring myself to break a friend's heart and so love overcame evil. Love saved me from encouraging that darkness laying dormant inside. Her eyes burned my demon so hard I can't even explain. Regardless, I don't like what I saw. It disgusts me. Why am I like this? Why do I have to be a sinner? I don't want to be. But yesterday I didn't just kill a man in my mind, I tortured him for the rest of his known eternity. What is this evil inside? Get it away from me. I fear myself. And to those who wrong me ... I fear for you. I pray God will snatch this demon out of me and I pray that I fear God more than myself. Let Your love transcend this hideous evil inside of me. Please. I beg you. Amen.
*two thumbs up*
ReplyDeleteHey, I beg to differ with those "stats" ... just saying!!