Monday, January 31, 2011

Top 5 List: Most Brutal Traits of Women and Men.

Top 5 Worst Traits of Women: (Now let me specify, men can have these traits too. But these traits are magnified to be WAY worse when it's on a person with a vajayjay.)

5) Moody ass syndrome: Women sometimes (by some I mean most) get moody. We get it. But for some reason your selfish ass thinks it's an excuse for you to treat men like shit. Smarten up before your ass gets dumped. And it will.

4) Making it a thing to fight for equality: You guys want to be as awesome as us - we get it. You arguing that you can lift as much as us or do physical things as well as us is stupid. Not only does it make you unequal in physical strength, it also convinces us that your mental dexterity is crippled. Just accept it. You'll never be equal to men. You're made from a rib of ours. I think we have like 9 more.

3) Being boring: Holy crap I'm yawning none stop. Those tears? They're not caused automatically by the yawn as you would believe. I just can't hold back the tears because you're so freaking boring. It's so dry being with you that I thought I'd moisturize the atmosphere with my tears of sorrow. Nope, it's so dry they just evaporate within seconds.

2) Being materialistic: You look like a shallow bitch, period (no real one is needed because I stated it)

1) Wanting to argue everything: Shut the f--- up. That's my job.

Top 5 Worst Traits of Men: (Now let me specify, women can have these traits too. But these traits are magnified to be WAY worse when it's on a person with a peenaynay.)

5) Being unmanly: Not grunting at the gym is a sin. Show the world how manly you are by exerting extraordinary force.

4) Being unmanly: Not farting. Deadlier the gas the manlier you are, obviously.

3) Being unmanly: Not eating more than the girl beside you at Mandarin - even if she weighs 350lbs: from the waste down. You better make the servers take away more plates from you than her. I know she sometimes eats her plate but you better make them clear more even if you have to Bulimia.

2) Being unmanly: Holding your gfs purse for extended periods of time: all the time. This is what you say after the first time. "Dang your purse was heavy. I hope you didn't place all of Costco's tampons in there honey." This is what you say after the second time - "Hey I think you should carry less stuff...I can't carry your stuff all the time because I'm growing a vajayjay." This is how you go about it the thi- NO. You say this immediately: "Bitch your purse is too damn heavy. Is you crazy? What do I look like? A damn walking coat rack?" Drop purse and continue to walk forward with a slight limp. Done.

1) Being unmanly: Not taking the above 4 suggestions and changing them in your life. If you read it then do it. You will be manlier than the steroid injected child of Sly Stallone and Ahnold if they could mate.

I warded off the interest of 16 girls after they read this blog update. =)

Thursday, January 27, 2011

Girllllllllll, You SO Sexy

So the condition and messiness of the kitchen, common area, living room and most importantly the sink in my house was repulsive. My room mates managed to start their own civilization in the sink specifically. Leaning tower of Pisa made of dishes and I can hear the bacterial gladiators clashing. More like I can smell it. I held out. Well I mean, I do my cleaning and keep 2 plates and 1 bowl downstairs. Always reuse, rewash and repeat. Every single week I wait for women's small group to happen. It is on that day that one of my room mates cleans the house because it's pretty embarrassing.

Yesterday I go home with excitement and I got juked. It was still gross. I go downstairs and drown myself in food because of the sorrow. Sigh, it hurts so much more when you expected it but nothing happens - so akin to asking women out. This morning I hear clashing. Was it Santa? Dude's a month and something late. I come up stairs after my shower to cook breakfast and it was marvelous. Everything was sparkling. Well it wasn't. It was still 10% messy but relatively it looked like a new car out of the dealership. WITH AN AURA.

My other room mate had cleaned almost everything. Garbage was even organized. Let me tell you. No, LET ME TELL YOU. I started fantasizing about her. NO WORD OF A LIE. It was so damn sexy. SO attractive that she had cleaned. I had to bbm her to confirm because even if it was my other room mate it's still not sexy. She's unsexyable. But DAYAM after confirmation my heart raced like I did an 100m sprint. "Let's make love" I wrote back only 1.5% joking. She said her mom's coming back this Saturday. I took that as in "If you want to you better hurry."

Ladies, being clean is something I took for granted. You girls who are clean are fine as hell. You girls with OCD....oh man, where do I even begin you sexy things you.

Wednesday, January 26, 2011

Chew on My Thoughts; They have more flavor than yours.

1. People's definition of "relationship" is funny and amusing. People's definition of "friend" is too. What's really objective in this world? God's love perhaps; and only that.

2. Is it bad that I don't fear or panic? Probably not. I have enough faith not to trip balls over things. Where's the bad? I don't fully understand it when other people do. It seems so trivial...I try my best to understand it but I just can't "get" it. I hope they see and appreciate my effort.

3. I've realized that I will do anything to make a point. Including but not limited to living in a house that's full of garbage. I've started my own separate garbage bin in my basement =).

4. My standards in women have dropped. If you do laundry and fold it after come right in. Let me romance you over some wine and dinner. Let you romance me by doing the above.

5. Point 4 was a joke. Had your hopes up didn't you?

6. I'm really excited for the next few weeks. Lots of eating and gospel concert?! I expect some mindblowing epicness to be honest.

7. No hockey this Saturday...what the heck do I do with my life?!

8. People let age get in the way of too many things that could be beautiful: an adventure, chasing a dream, living out faith and a relationship that should be.

9. Embrace the beauty that God gave you. Tired of all these misleading facebook pictures man. If you're reaaaaally not good looking then use my profile pictures. At least they're funny.

10. Unadultered thoughts make anyone seem like an asshole. It's not just me ok? You try it and let me know if you look better. We're ugly creatures. Appreciate the grace given by Jesus.

Peace out =)
+ I'm listening to Glee version of New York. These people should not rap - ever. EVER. Unless in season 4 a black guy gets added to the cast.

Monday, January 17, 2011

Shut The F#(K Up

Last year there was an entry called types of dumbasses. See, dumbasses are ok as long as they stay non verbal about it. That way it masks their dumbassity and we don't have suffer from it. This mannerism is like the good mannerism of fat girls that will not wear a 2 piece on a beach because they don't want to flaunt their extra flesh. Or be labeled a beached whale by the general public. Well good for them because they know they will be judged. Smart.

Dumbasses on the other hand have this theory that the will will not/we should not judge them. Oh, and when people do judge them they bust out the line "You can't judge me; only God can judge me" thinking that quoting Tupac makes you a philosophical poet. No. It makes you a dumbass. Shut the f#(k up and save yourself from looking like a dumbasshole (that's dumbass + asshole in case you're a dumbass and happened to land on this page). Then I'll have other Christians tell me I can't judge people. Are you serious? Do you understand the concept of judge? Just because I think someone's an idiot does not mean I think they're going to hell. THAT'S judgement that Tupac and the bible talks about. Not me making a conscious decision on another human being and tagging them with an adjective/noun.

Are you not judging when you ground your kids for doing something DUMB? What about when you're mad at your bf/gf? Do you tell me I can't judge people when I say they're smart? Beautiful? Charming? Kind? Nope. Because those are positive judgement. Our society likes sweeping shit under the rug because oh God forbid we should change something about ourselves. Yea, instead of making ourselves less like a dumbass when we clearly are we'd like it better if the other person would shut the f#(k up. No. You shut the f#(k up. If you weren't a dumbass I wouldn't be needing to shut the f#(k up right? Because I'd be saying "well shucks, you're just a pleasant human being. You're dandy." Yea. No problem there.

Oh shoot, CNN just reported there's a bus in Toronto that's really loud and obnoxious. Demographics in the bus is composed of 60% African Canadians and 35% Chinese Canadians and 5% Whites. Holy shit. Sound the alarms. Black people are complaining everywhere because people said they're loud and obnoxious. Chinese people would be complaining too but they don't understand English because all they do is hang out at pmall and speak whatever the hell type of Chinese they spoke in China. White people are just fine and dandy. They aren't complaining they got called White instead of Caucasian Canadian. Good job White people. You guys are awesome for that. Man our society's so racist isn't it? Reporting true things just makes us racist. Got to beat around the bush with descriptions and stuff because people were slaves 400 years ago. Well shit you Africans raided the whole world when you were roaming around how many thousand years ago. I demand some compensation man.

You ever hear colored people complain they got hired at a corporation because they were colored? Nope. That's positive racism. No problem there. So quit complaining when another truth gets pointed out and you happen to fit it. Please, shut the f#(k up.

Lastly, I'd like to finish off this polished essay, which in no way is a rant, with the example of a formal colleague (we both went to Schulich). So this guy posts on his facebook status (this is so serious I'm giving it its own paragraph break because I'm dramatic like that):

"I don`t go to York University, I do go to Schulich: I wish all "York" graduates really understand this! I makes me extremely unpleasant!" 

Holy shit man. Are you serious? That's one smug dumbass. Thank God he's Korean (high five to the 2 Chinese people I know). No seriously, I'm so Koreanized I feel embarrassed still. 

A: "What university did you attend"
Dumbass (D): "Schulich"
A: "That's a program in a university you D"

Well shit. Don't you feel smart? This kid also screwed over Leo's group in the biggest project of the year in freshman year. This kid was already a bottom dweller in Schulich and has the guts to post something like that on facebook. If you ever land on this page please let me know. Msg me or whatever I'd like to tell you how epic fail you are. You sir are an 100% certified triple A prime example of a good piece of dumbass burger. Would you like fries with that?

Thursday, January 6, 2011

What's a New Years Resolution?

I love looking at everyone's new year resolutions. From people I know well to people I barely know at all, facebook seems to inform me about all they plan to do. I read some and I chuckle.

I find it hilariously sad that it takes a new year to define some resolutions. I don't get it at all. Is it some sort of cultural thing? I'm pretty counter culture so I find it pretty weird.

Anyway, 2011 will be a big year. I said I'll start maxing out on life after missions - just so happens its the beginning of the new year. Don't get it twisted though: my journey to success isn't some sort of a new year resolution. This is a lifetime resolve.

By the power of the Holy Spirit I shall succeed.

Read that twice. Think about it. We forget to acknowledge that power don't we?