Endure the Pain a Little Longer

Yesterday's service was undoubtedly influenced by the Haiti disaster that happened in the past week. Those who know me will know that I have a heart for the truly weak and poor. Yes, I have generally no sympathy for those who are begging in first world countries because they can work hard and get out of their self pitying lives. But those in the 4th and 5th world? No chance. My heart breaks because justice is not being served and life isn't fair for them.

As pictures shot up onto the screen I didn't even pay attention to what Young was saying. Blah blah blah. The praise band's music faded. Pent up inside of me was anger, regret, sadness, and anxiety. The more it was bottled up the worse it got...until all of the built up emotions squeezed its way through my eyes.

I was so angry at how our church decided to sensor how really devastating the situation is. Sure facts were thrown out. But the images? They were soft. No blood, no tears, no pain. Just people carrying other people, buildings collapsed and landscape shots.

Worse than the anger, regret kicked in. What am I doing with my life? Why am I not there pulling people out of the rubbles? Why am I not there strategizing for World Vision? I regret not taking that financial analyst position at World Vision. I could be making a difference NOW. UGH.

Then I was sad. Sad at the fact that I bailed on what my heart tells me to do. I betrayed my feelings and now I'm in pain because I'm away from pain. Why so cowardly? Am I avoiding pain subconsciously? Maybe I'm not cut out for this anyway...

No, screw this. I'm going to help right after my contract is done this year. I'm not resigning for another term after this. I'm going to go overseas and help those in need.


NO, CALM DOWN. Thundering voice cut through the anxiety in my head. RELAX, THINK IT THROUGH.
I remember praying about this when I first realized that I'm going to help the ones in pain. God told me to build myself up to be powerful and influential. Then I will gather capable men and women and make a difference. His power in me is not now. So when I see images, videos and news of all those enduring pain across the globe, I too need to do the same. I stay here to become a little stronger, a little smarter, and a little wiser so that one day I'll go out with a bang. A rock can be worn down by continuous drops of water; but, it too can be destroyed by an explosion from pent up force. I'm meant for the latter. And so I continue to build up the pain, pressure and wisdom.