It's close to a year now since we've broken up and not once did we talk. I don't know what it is or why it is...but my heart never healed and not for one single day did I forget about you. Is this a sign of a mistake that our stubborn selves created? Are you happy? Are you ok? How is life?
I can't bear the sight of you without having my heart thump. I saw a girl walking outside the other day that looked like you and I couldn't catch my breath for 15 minutes. I see a girl at the gym that looks like you and I end my workout. I don't have the strength or courage to even confirm that it is you. I hid your updates of any sort on facebook. I see the name Sandra and my insides ring for a split second. I debate endlessly whether I should talk to you or not and I always conclude it's not a good idea. My phone breaks and the only number I know off by heart is yours. Is it even still the same number?
Today, for the first time, I gathered up enough courage to go on your profile on facebook. I just wanted to know if you're doing well...if you're ok...if you've made new friends and good friends. Karen once told me that you looked happy from your facebook updates and I told her to stop there. I was too cowardly to hear about your life. On your birthday I wanted to say happy birthday. I wanted to take you out...I wanted to say hi.
On my birthday, there was a slight want in my heart that you'd say hi to me too. It didn't happen. Maybe it wasn't meant to happen.
There's been so many times that I tried to like other girls. No use. You're irreplaceable to me...even if some day I get married to another woman I truly love...I still think that you forever claimed a piece of my heart. I realized the other day that there is a possibility that no other girl after you will be able to fully own my love. Whether that is a hurt soul talking or reality, only time will tell.
Why blog about something ridiculous like this? Because I put on a smile...I'm loud and cheerful. I wear a mask to hide the hurt. My closest friend's are still confused to as why I'm still caught up. I don't know. I'm desperate to stop this hurting because it's eating my soul away.
keep your head up big guy
ReplyDelete(ive commented before. but my comments disappear. where do they go!)
ooooooh i never published them properly. gotcha gotcha
ReplyDeleteif you ever want to talk to someone who's been through a similar situation, i'm right here :)
ReplyDeletefrom my experience, you WILL get through it and you WILL be able to move on and be happy!
i heart you my dear kevin <3
oh kevin i havent read ur blog in a little while.. but i hope ur hanging in there and that "HELLO" has not become ur theme song. :(
ReplyDelete