My Heart Is Breaking

I see a broken man shattered to pieces. His soul looks lost of purpose and reason because today, his brother died. Four weeks ago, we were laughing and having dinner. Three weeks ago, he was diagnosed with liver cancer. Two weeks ago, cancer spread all over his body. One week ago, liver ceased to function. One day ago, comatose. What seems like a moment ago, he was here; what seems like a moment ago, he's now gone.

I never, ever lose my cool. I can handle any situation no matter how stressful. I am a man that ducks no bullets nor turns away from any situation. Two days ago, the man barged into my office and said "Kevin, I have to go early." His hardened, manly ambitious eyes gave up and instantly became weary. He paused for a split second and as his eyes welled up he finished what he had to say - "my brother is dying."

We stared into each other's eyes for two seconds. In those two seconds I was trapped in time and frozen in action. It seemed like our eyes locked for minutes as I sat there blankly. I didn't know what to do. I couldn't speak. I did nothing. I lost my cool.

This scene is burned into my mind and I will never forget those eyes of panic and desperation. Today, after his brother passed away, I ran into him. His body was moving but his spirit was gone. A hardened man from the storms of life, just like that, lost all drive. He walks but isn't living. I gave him a hug and I wanted to embrace him and comfort him. As I wrapped my arms around him I felt a darting pain hit the pit of my stomach. My heart skipped a beat. I was so afraid so I let go. I walked away and I knew he just stood there for a second. I knew if I turned around he would break down. I knew if he broke down I would break too. I ran away like a coward. I ducked the bullet. I turned my back to the situation.

We think we know pain. What do we know about pain? Most of us hasn't experienced shit. What do we know? We're just dumbass kids.

Swearing is bad? FUCK THAT. Today I sinned hard. Today, I did NOT love my neighbor. Because today, I chose to love myself instead. God forgive me. Today, I repent. Strengthen me so that I will not buckle again. You have made it so that my friends lean on me, I can only lean on You.