72oz of wtf: Part 1 - The Forequestion.

This is the account of my 72oz steak challenge experience.

When the steak arrived I kind of jumped because it was MUCH larger than I had anticipated. My heart plummeted and "Oh Shit" was bouncing off the walls of my mind. I look to the left and right of the beast of a steak and there they were: baby trees. There they were: baby BLAND trees like how white people love them - boiled. Gag reflex ready and in motion just thinking of eating those at the end of my meal.

I quickly dissect the meat in my mind into quarts and pieces. How shall I demolish you? Just grab and eat like a caveman? No, I'll be classy, for now. I cut one piece off and throw it into my endless abyss, the white square guardians go to work on the fleshy meat. Nom nom nom. My fork and knives go to work and the 4.5 lbs of beef gets shredded up like a pack of piranhas were thrown onto them.

The process repeats until 2/3 of the beef is gone. I check the time and only 10 minutes have passed. YES I'm going to make it for under 20 minutes I think to myself. As I go to cut that last 1/3 I realized that a flab of meat has been folded under another piece. DAMN IT. My mentality was that I had 1/3 left, not 1/2. Crap. My stomach is feeling it now and I kind of panic. No time to panic. Must win.

I stuff my face until my jaws start filling up with lactic acid and it's now sore. MY JAWS, SORE. That should paint a picture of how much meat I just had. The last 10 oz was beyond well done. I was swallowing what seemed like wood chips. No matter. Nomnomnom.

I now have 3 pieces left. THREE pieces lay before me blocking my path to glory. I make them my bitch. But then I realized the three guardians of the tree are protecting my holy grail of victory. Damn brocollis. So many of a vegetable. I quiver at the thought of being defeated. Into the abyss they go. For a moment, they fought back, I gag...but I knew that if I vomit I lose. Stay down bitches, stay down. I wash it down with a glass of cold water which had someone's fajita on the bottom of there like a dirty floater you see in public washrooms. Typically, gross. At that moment? Do not care. Victory so close at hand, I scoop the rest of my plate full of HP sauce and sauteed veggies...like a barbarian I stuff it down my face. Hands raised: I came, I saw, I conquered.

Rounds of applause go off and a standing ovation from my loving supporters. I couldn't have done it without all of you. 34 minutes of battle and I stand victorious. Now excuse me while I go wash my hands off from all this winsauce.