I'm not a smart man...but I know what love is.

Forrest Gump: Will you marry me? 

[Jenny turns and looks at him] 

Forrest Gump: I'd make a good husband, Jenny. 

Jenny Curran: You would, Forrest. 

Forrest Gump: ...But you won't marry me. 

Jenny Curran: [sadly] ... You don't wanna marry me. 

Forrest Gump: Why don't you love me, Jenny? 

[Jenny says nothing] 

Forrest Gump: I'm not a smart man... but I know what love is. 

Sigh, this coming from a man with an IQ of 76. He knows what love is and I have no clue. My IQ's literally double of his. 


People probably struggle to place a finger on what that word means anyway - I know I'm not alone in that. Most people down play the meaning of love and other people assume they know what it is. It's worse than playing with fire because you'll either burn yourself or someone else. Burns leave a scar and hurt for a bit; but these burns sear themselves deep within a person and changes them forever. People who are love burned are scared: they have low self esteem and lose a chunk of hope.


But every once in a while God throws me a fricken bone and shows me a glimpse of love through people. It restores a little bit of hope and eases the pain that seems to have oddly numbed me. A connection like that with a person is certainly rare so I'll cherish the memories. 


But I'm still jealous of this verging on mildly retarded guy. He KNOWS what it is. I'm scrapping together little pieces.


Maybe the drill sergeant said it best:

Drill Sergeant: God damn it, Gump! You're a god damn genius! This is the most outstanding answer I have ever heard. You must have a goddamn I.Q. of 160. You are goddamn gifted, Private Gump.

There is still no movie that tops Forrest Gump for me. Bittersweet hope for a bittersweet man living a bittersweet life. 

The A Cup

I'm blunt. So blunt half my blog posts have no introduction. Bam. Straight to the point. I don't know what a comma is. Simple. Clean. Meaningful.

That's who I am and those are the people I get along with. I see no need to change because I attract people that are real. Fake people see me and run because they shudder at my approach to things. You're being a dumbass? I'll call you out. I think you're awesome? You'll get complimented. Fake people can only accept the latter. Fake people don't get the latter from me.

Keeping it A cup is cool in a worldy manner and for the most part no one will really complain.

God's complaining though. And I can't do it any longer.

Keeping it real like A cup tittays will no longer resound in my life. I'm gonna stuff the shit out of that bra. Why? Fake people like the big boobs. It attracts them. They're not capable of seeing through meaningless things to the meaningful.

But if I deem myself the realest then I better be able to to see through my own mask. Fake people need Christ too. Me keeping it comfortably real isn't bringing fake people to Christ. So as real as I can keep it, I've decided to change. If I must be fake to make fake people happy, then I will. Commas will be introduced; heck, even semi colons.

If being fake will turn fake people real...then I will become them.

^"19 Though I am free and belong to no one, I have made myself a slave to everyone, to win as many as possible. ²⁰ To the Jews I became like a Jew, to win the Jews. To those under the law I became like one under the law (though I myself am not under the law), so as to win those under the law. ²¹ To those not having the law I became like one not having the law (though I am not free from God’s law but am under Christ’s law), so as to win those not having the law. ²² To the weak I became weak, to win the weak. I have become all things to all people so that by all possible means I might save some. ²³ I do all this for the sake of the gospel, that I may share in its blessings."


Paully kept it pretty real. Dude was all about the A cups for sure.

So Much Going Through My Mind

Recently so much things have been going through my mind. So many things about life, relationships, God. But I got no one to spill it to. Even if I do, they just hear it but don't really get me.

It's cold and lonely inside my mind. There's one person that gets me. But I'm scared to share. Somewhere down the line I know the coldness will thaw. Small embers, sparks will fly; and we'll be slow dancing in a burning room.

I don't like playing with fire. I hate getting burned. But that warmth is awfully fascinating and it's hard to keep my hand away from the soft comfort that it brings. If even momentarily relief, I may succumb.

Ghandi Says...

You should not have...

1. Wealth without work

2. Pleasure without conscience

3. Knowledge without character

4. Commerce without morality

5. Science without humanity

6. Worship without sacrifice

7. Politics without principles

Now, you nod along as you read; but can you explain why? What could happen if the latter is attained without the former? Deep thoughts.

15 Things

1. I saw the most beautiful girl again. I fluttered inside when she smiled at me and gave me a cut eye at the same time.
2. Glory.
3. I NEED inspiration to keep me plowing through to what God's told me to chase.
4. If God says no, I'm man enough to deal with it.
5. On Saturday I heard her live. Her voice got me through endless study nights in high school. Low fi crappy quality but it got me to where I need to be; where I am now. (By endless study nights I mean literally 2 hrs per school year hahaha. But she got me through it)
6. I listen to music in order to stay focused and motivated; others I surveyed listen to it for completely different reasons. Respect to music: one of the most powerful things in creation.
7. My Korean is getting worse.
8. So is my Chinese.
9. I respect Roy more today than two days ago; I'm proud of him too.
10. My mustache is starting to look ugly(er).
11. I feel God when I work the heavy bag.
12. My xbox broke. I didn't feel any anger. =)
13. I'm getting more and more hungry nowadays (concerning food, goals, God)
14. I love my family but have a hard time expressing it. I hope I don't have anything withheld with my future gf/wife/family.
15. I love my friends; If I'm harsh it's because I care.

You are Beautiful No Matter What They Say; You are Ugly No Matter What You Think

Being bold and humble is just what the title says; it's a mentality that's hard to grasp and easily stepped over into unbalanced territory. 

One could easily seem arrogant and another lacking confidence trying to juggle these juxtaposing perspectives on their own self image. Personally, I have no trouble  living out the first one. I couldn't care less about what people think of me. You think I'm awesome? I know. You should. You think I'm abrasive? That's nice. 

I don't live my life the way I do to get your approval of who I am. But the poison of this is that I start to lose sight of who I want to become. Sometimes, caring about other people's judgement on you forces you maintain upkeep on your character. The deadlier poison is that YOUR CHARACTER is tied to the string of another persons opinion; regardless of whether that person is an idiot or not.

I realized that at the end of the day you keep yourself in check by realizing you're terribly ugly. Try your best to get better and refine those rough edges. But when people put you down; shrug it off. Who are you to fear another person? They're just people. 

I'm on Romans now on my daily readings. Today it spoke mountains to me. Truth is, I'm an upstanding guy. I know it, you know it. But just because that's the case it doesn't mean my refinement stops there. You don't know it, I now know it. Read Romans 1:18-1:...whatever end of chapter is. 

We all look in the mirror every day. Those verses is the spiritual mirror that we too often ignore. We make sure we're beautiful no matter what people say when we look in the mirror. Makeup, hair, moisturizer, whatever other things you guys/girls/HeShes/SheHes do (I do none of this btw, I'm naturally stunning). When's the last time you took a look in the spiritual mirror. Do you even realize one existed? Do you know what the word repent means? Are you even smart enough to realize how much you sin? I knew it existed; I never looked. I knew the word; just not well enough. I know I sin; but it's more than I thought. 

And as grim as this entry is...I'm the one smiling. Because no matter what I think and no matter what they say: even an ugly, crooked, sinful and dreaded human like me remains beautiful and flawless in God's holy eyes. And thankful I am, with a smile I prayed: Jesus, thanks for everything buddy. Amen.

Reality of Dreams; Dreaming of Reality

"A successful life is a progression of successful years, which is a progression of successful months, which is a progression of successful weeks, days, hours, minutes, and moments. Success is the achievement of a goal or set of goals. Therefore, to be successful, you must have goals not only for the long term, but for the moment; and each goal should be related to the other, unified by a single purpose - happiness and fulfillment in life"

We dream our dreams and forget its purpose. Even when reality turns into our dream it unwinds into a trapping nightmare.

Some can't even live their nightmares because the simple fact of "some dream and never do. Others do and never dream. But then there are those very few who dream, and do what they dream."


Master these and you will be successful.

Dayum

Yo in case you been under a rock for the past week, here's to you.

http://www.justintimberlake.com/news/video_of_day_justin_jimmy_fallon_and_the_roots_homage_to_hip_hop

Yo in case you've been all up on this, watch it again.

Cuz it's that damn good. Props to the coolest white boys...next to MM.

I watch this 3x before I work. Productivity down 50%, hiphop love up 100.

5 Things

I do this every September because I'm a hipster and don't like new year resolutions..

These are 5 things I want to accomplish by Sept. 23, 2011.

1. Continue forex education/trading with discipline
2. Reach my body fat percentage goal of sub 13%, at least
3. Be consistent with God; consistency shows true love
4. Develop and expand at least ONE new product for SMC
5. Grow a mean mustache

HAHAAH I'm joking about 5. But our small group was talking about mustaches yesterday and Roys obv got a fetish with them. Then we all joked about growing one. I'm pretty sure I'm physically incapable of growing one but I'll likely try? Chances are I'll look like a dirty Mexican named Jorge (that's whore-hey for you noobs aka George in Spanish).

P.S. Reggie pronounces it MOO-stash. I find that hilarious. MOO.

What is Love?

Baby don't hurt me, don't hurt me no more. That's what you were thinking.

Anyway, I saw my mom yesterday and we were talking about life. Somehow love came up and we covered every type of love I can think of. In theme, the common thing that holds true for all of them is consistency.

Loving someone doesn't mean you won't hurt them and being loved doesn't mean you are insusceptible to pain. But to love someone is to be consistent to them. What does that mean?

I have no clue. Consistent in what sense? You tell me. I find it amusing and terribly funny when people proclaim they love so and so. Really, 90% of you have no clue what love is. The other 10% that do know love should be humble enough to respect the word.

I wish love were more simple...wish it wasn't so hard or difficult. Maybe it is. Maybe we just make it seem otherwise.

Open your eyes

If you do...you'd learn so much more from God. Ain't that a bitch...my eyes are so small =(.

Sept. 12, 2010.

Yesterday I prayed with Khang and Leo.

That's significant enough for an entry on its own.

High school til Now

While driving to work this morning I popped in one of  my high school CDs and these two songs came on. I'm glad I haven't changed much. These songs were one of my top favorite songs and things haven't changed. The lyrics hit me; especially the first one.

I'm thankful that I have brothers who fit the description. No matter how far we are, how long we haven't spoken or how mad we get at each other I know, and you better know, that we lean and depend on each other to become a better man. 

Well...the second song...the second song doesn't really have a fitting role for me =). But! I'm really glad that now my closest brothers all have someone who lives true to the second song. Really, really glad =D.

So Close

You're so close to pushing me over the edge that I'm nervous. I kind of wish you don't but I secretly want you to so I can feel alive again.

Sitting, waiting, wishing.

Heroes vs Villains

We're either a hero or a villain. These two labels drive us to our ultimate want or ultimate goal; if you're either one, the chances of you getting there is better than being none.

You see, when you're a hero or a villain, your drive has a deeper root and will manifest itself in your actions and commitment more so than if you were neither. When you are neither, you have no reason. There is no will and there is no backbone to your resolve.

Does it really matter if we're a hero or a villain? On a personal front, to us, probably not. A hero will not want to be a villain and a villain will not care that he is one. To other people? Heroes are always welcome while villains are only judged by the final outcome of their doings and not their hearts.

To God? Neither hero nor villain exists. You're either a fruitful tree or a dried up piece of wood. Arguably both heroes and villains can produce fruit. So to those who want to succeed...I say the most important thing is to determine what you are of the two and stick to it. Find your resolve and know why you have it. Always remind yourself every single day of that once you know it.

Stupid Question

He asks me "If 95% of  the people know...then why do they still fail?"
"Knowing is different than doing."

Secular conversation about trading forex. Obvious faith based implications. Success for us is just like trading. Better execute what you know; even then, you won't win every time. But execute with faith and know that in the end you will come up on top.

Asia For What It Is

I went on an Asia trip last month with two of my best friends with the other one holding down the fort back here who ended up finding his own little friend. Was it good times? Sure...But when all is said and done and I came back from it all...with all the cute and funny stories I tell people...Asia left a bad taste in my mouth.

I have blogged about Asia. It's just private because I don't want to ruin it for you guys. Go experience it yourself. Maybe we'll have different views.

Your Eyes...So Tender

Wow, Asia trip is happening in less than 8 hours. A little rattled, don't know what to expect. What gifts to bring back...business decisions...my mind is clustered with thoughts and can't be at ease.

This trip is going to be awesome. I won't have internet for three weeks, hopefully...See if I can stand the fast. I also won't be able to talk to some people, I will terribly miss them as well. I won't get to see certain people c...and that reality hit me tonight as I realized that for some reason, some people have this calming effect on me. The reason I can stay cool and collected during any situations is that I think of them before I do myself. I can't last without some people's eyes, some people's smile and some people's voice. Crazy epiphany...scary epiphany.

The only regret on this Asia trip is that Roy and Justin couldn't come. Oh also that I don't have a girlfriend that did last minute checks on what I should bring with me =(. I disliked that one so much that I sabotaged the list Karen made for Leo =D.

I'll probably keep a journal for the trip and write it all up when I get back. I know you'll all miss my awesome posts =P.

How Much for a Kilo?

Crackberry revived. Well, not revived, but resent. Sweet.

My Heart Aches

It's close to a year now since we've broken up and not once did we talk. I don't know what it is or why it is...but my heart never healed and not for one single day did I forget about you. Is this a sign of a mistake that our stubborn selves created? Are you happy? Are you ok? How is life?

I can't bear the sight of you without having my heart thump. I saw a girl walking outside the other day that looked like you and I couldn't catch my breath for 15 minutes. I see a girl at the gym that looks like you and I end my workout. I don't have the strength or courage to even confirm that it is you. I hid your updates of any sort on facebook. I see the name Sandra and my insides ring for a split second. I debate endlessly whether I should talk to you or not and I always conclude it's not a good idea. My phone breaks and the only number I know off by heart is yours. Is it even still the same number?

Today, for the first time, I gathered up enough courage to go on your profile on facebook. I just wanted to know if you're doing well...if you're ok...if you've made new friends and good friends. Karen once told me that you looked happy from your facebook updates and I told her to stop there. I was too cowardly to hear about your life. On your birthday I wanted to say happy birthday. I wanted to take you out...I wanted to say hi.

On my birthday, there was a slight want in my heart that you'd say hi to me too. It didn't happen. Maybe it wasn't meant to happen.

There's been so many times that I tried to like other girls. No use. You're irreplaceable to me...even if some day I get married to another woman I truly love...I still think that you forever claimed a piece of my heart. I realized the other day that there is a possibility that no other girl after you will be able to fully own my love. Whether that is a hurt soul talking or reality, only time will tell.

Why blog about something ridiculous like this? Because I put on a smile...I'm loud and cheerful. I wear a mask to hide the hurt. My closest friend's are still confused to as why I'm still caught up. I don't know. I'm desperate to stop this hurting because it's eating my soul away.

Sound Julie's Ring Tone: Sudden Epiphany

Khang and I were watching Naruto and through a freaking cartoon I realized something so huge about myself. Ready?

I have an odd attraction to girls who are quiet and reserved. Girls that don't speak much but have plenty of deep thoughts and are kind and gentle but scared to show it. I guess opposites do attract because I talk plenty but have next to no deep thoughts and I'm not kind nor gentle and am not scared to show it =).

But yea, I never would have thought that I'm attracted to the standard labeled awkward silent girl. It's so funny because as soon as I told Khang he threw back at me "ESTHER OH?" HAHAHAHA.

Esther Oh is NOT that type of girl guys. Cmon now.

Anyway, the girl in Naruto is Hinata. Have no clue why I find her so cute...her shyness really gets to me. Oh, and the best part: when girls like that gather up courage and strength to do something outside of their own shy bubble..it's the most inspirational thing ever. Makes me feel like I can do anything for her because she's willing to risk her comfort for me.

Yea, before you make fun of me for liking a girl in anime...y'all dream of vampires with Kim Jong Il hair and shit. We're even.

Dear Self

What happened to you? I see your shell and nothing inside.

You used to be so much stronger and strong willed. Has one bump on the road crippled you for good? Your drive, commitment, hunger and willpower melted away with the snow from past seasons.

You preach integrity and honor yet cannot even hold up your own standards 80% of the time. I only ask you to do well 80% of the time and you can't. Stop failing yourself.

Humble your mind and accept your inadequacies. Open your heart and accept others. Having a soft heart isn't good enough. You need hard hands to carry out that will.  Don't pity yourself and play victim; it isn't an excuse to be passive. It'd ridiculous that you have to write yourself a letter and show others how weak you are. But you need it. If other people see the ugly you will be forced to change.

I think life has dwindled you down. Before you thought you were Atlas and could carry the world on your shoulders; only now to realize you need support from those around you. Too proud to seek it; too foolish to accept it.

You think that finding the right girl will mitigate all this ugliness you possess. Who are you kidding? No girl should be with you with this much darkness burdened onto them. They don't deserve to share your baggage.

Mistakes were made. You can't change it. This is the ugly truth and said so harshly to yourself for the world to see. Keep your head up kid, you still have a long way to go. Every choice we make has a good and evil consequence. Just make sure you try your best to lean towards the light.

Oh, and stop falling for girls so easily. You idiot.

Frustration

Makes life interesting, doesn't it?

Never Change

Lots of things change...but I don't think I'll ever lose my love for some good rnb music. It touches the soul and soothes the mind. Love it.

1000 Years From Now

My heart has lost its pace,
and dreams has lost its freedom.
Our love that ended too soon,
will be kept a promise unspoken;
carried into a thousand years after.

My powerlessness gives ways to floods of regrets,
as I await here in the ruins,
for you to walk towards me.
The light refracting from my tears,
won't contain enough of the love you deserve.

Because a thousand years from now,
I'll have been long gone from this earth.
Unable to tenderly lead your hands,
or softly kiss your forehead.

Don't wait until a thousand years has passed,
when the world will have long forgotten me.
When the dusk of the deserts have turned red,
will there be someone who could save me;
from a thousand years of loneliness?

What a Night

I get a call around 2am from a friend that I had feelings for before but she rejected me. She sounded shaken and nervous...kind of sad and lonely. I didn't know what happened to her nor did I bother to ask.

"Hey...can you come out for a bit?"
"Ummm...uhhh...k."

In my head I was screaming "Are you fricken serious?? It's 2am. I have work tomorrow!" But I knew inside she wouldn't act like this unless it was something important. I had to go.

I get dressed and walk out the door like a zombie. The drive over to pick her up was only 5-10 minutes but seemed like an hour as I fought to keep my eyes open.

I pick her up; awkward silence. Finally to cut through the thick like cement atmosphere I bust out the trusty line:

"What's up?"
"Can we go to the park?"
Hendon park - the place for late night strolls and long talks about anything and everything. We go.

I pop my trunk open to grab my blanket for her since 2:30 am is unsuspectingly cold. We walk around the park with light conversation underlined by a heavy undertone of unspoken thoughts. I try my hardest to use my super power of mind reading but it seems like my powers only work in NORMAL FRICKEN HOURS.

She catches my eye staring at her trying to dissect her mind. Her lips open with a light sigh, a brief pause
"...Hey, do you think...you and I, we could...you know..."
"...BANG? K!"
"...."
"Sorry."
"I know last time I didn't give you a chance...but I think now I'm ready."

Funny she thinks that all revolves around her. Funny she thinks my feels and views on life and the world are the same. Funny she thinks I'm the one sitting here waiting for her on my knees.

"Love waits for no one." I said.
"...."
"I guess this is how it turns out, you know? We weren't meant to be. The right time for me wasn't the right time for you...and now that the time's right for you...the time for me has already passed."

She looks at me in hatred as if I just treated her like scum. I'm perplexed. What did she want me to do? Lie to her?

Her lips quivered the rest of the night and ride home. I couldn't bear to look at her because I don't like seeing people sad. Yet at the same time there was no ounce of remorse coming from me because I had no feelings for her anymore. My heart was cold and set like stone. I didn't budge nor did I reconsider.

We're in front of her place and it's now 3:30 am. She wouldn't get out of the car. Sitting there in silence, we both looked forward at the street lights turning yellow, green, red.

"I said no back then because I was afraid" she says to me.
Yellow, green, red. I thought...or is it green, red, yellow?
"I didn't want to jeopardize anything between us and it didn't seem realistic for us, you know, given our circumstances"
No, it's definitely red, yellow green.

Am I heartless? A little. Was she heartless? A little. That's how love works. It waits for no one and it folds for no one. Just because I wanted to be with her back then doesn't mean she would me. Now is the same situation.

"Love waits for no one" I said again.
I give her a faint smile that was as cold as ice.
"Good night" I said.
Her eyes attempt to pierce my calloused heart as she was about to leave. Unaffected, I continue to smile
"Bye."

It was completely unexpected that it'd happen last night. I didn't think it would ever happen. The timing of it was utterly baffling. Why now? Why not when I liked you? Thus fate turns in circles to those seeking love like a unreachable goal. Wouldn't it have been so much easier if we all liked each other at the same time? One can dream.

Sigh. Work, I thought.

25 ThingSunSpoken

These are things I've learned over the years. Thought I'd share them with you =).

1. We all make judgement calls based on limited information. The person zooming past others in a traffic jam in the shoulder lane is always an asshole until you find out their mother is in her last moments of life on earth.

2. Try.

3. If you're experimenting, do it all the way. If you're playing a role, make it convincing.

4. Lie enough and it'll become the truth.

5. Don't be scared to compliment as long as it is sincere.

6. Don't be scared to accept compliments. You deserved it - as long as it is sincere.

7. Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, and faithful in prayer.

8. Logical actions beget logical outcomes.

9. Irrational actions lead to irrational outcomes: that includes miracles.

10. Honesty, loyalty, friends and then wealth. Death before dishonor and I'll tell you what else.

11. Small things matter - actions that mean nothing to you could make or break someone else's day.

12. Be confident in yourself.

13. Be humble at heart.

14. Wisdom is knowing that you know nothing.

15. Inspire or be inspired.

16. Take a day once in a while to redirect your life to where you hope to be.

17. Don't mistaken the WANT to love with true love. It will cost you dearly.

18. Best friends make excellent boyfriends and girlfriends. Those who think otherwise are cowards and full of shit.

19. The higher the risk, the higher the reward. Don't end up sitting there pretending airplanes are shooting stars.

20. Treat your parents better. One day they WILL be gone.

21. Do what you can, as much as you can, whenever you can.

22. Dare to dream, dream to do.

23. Hold her hands, look her in the eyes.

24. If you must regret, regret from overdoing instead of not doing enough.

25. Touch the soul.

I Rarely Do This Truthfully, But...

=)

Cute

http://www.realsimple.com/work-life/family/relationships/edwards-00000000027794/index.html


It's a picture of myself.

Suddenly I Understand

The mind can trick the heart, but only briefly.

1) You can convince yourself you're in love with someone; but only briefly and then it disappears.

2 ) At the same time, you can convince yourself you don't love someone...only to realize you're kidding yourself.

Someone told me once that 2 can only come after 1 in a biblical context and that saying has stuck with me.

In my understanding of this sudden epiphany, it was also the same. I tried 1 and only after that I realized 2.

1 didn't hurt. 2 haunts me still.

Cr

ap.

Finished day 1 of the Snacks Expo in Chi town. We're gonna hit up deep dish pizza place later tonight and then the pier. Tomorrow we have 3 seminars to attend from 7:30 to 10 then off to shop on Michigan Street.

Today I sampled more candies than I would have liked...no not really, but I'm prob going to gain a few pounds and get type II diabetes. Oh yea, they got beef jerky with caffeine. Wild. Dried bugs and bugs covered in chocolate too; you bet your ass I had some. Tastes like KitKats but with more protein.

The show floor is MASSIVE but in January or February we might hit up the world's candy show in Germany. Heard that place is EIGHT times bigger. WADAFA.

My feet are killing me and I didn't bring any other shoes...I'm stuck in my dress shoes until tomorrow night.

But the feet aching isn't all that bad when you compare it to how much my mind is running. I can't stop thinking. I think I'm flustered. I wish you were here to walk the pier with me. I wish you were here to ride that huge ferris wheel too. But I can only wish. If you see this, bake me some cookies for when I get back!

Nomad

Sometimes instead of being constricted by expectations of people and society, I wish I could just roam the world free from everything. A wandering nomad, stopping to smell the flowers, climb the mountains and run on lakes (yes it is possible to run on water).

Thinking about the vast amount of stars in the sky I'd get to see; high grass and rolling winds I'd get to traverse across...I can almost smell it, I can almost feel it. Every day would bring something new and though it may not be exciting, it would be captivating simply because I'd get to see the beauty of this world and what nature holds.

I'd learn to hunt and everything would be fine and dandy. Give it a week. I'd probably be scribbling on the dirt of the mountains with a stick:

"Sometimes instead of being so wild and free, able to do whatever I please, I wish rigid guidelines were set for me so that I didn't have to think and plan out my daily expeditions. I need internet."

That's reality. Whether nomad or not, the grass is always greener on the other side.

A Figment of My Reality

It's a dark, dark mansion with streaks of light piercing through the cracks of the rotting frame of what used to be a wall - me and Khang are panting, quickly reloading our guns which are out of ammo. Sounds of rustling leaves and thumping on doors break cold sweat down our temples. Our other two companions are staring at the two doors about to be broken down, ready to unload their guns at any give moment.

"Reloading!" as we both yell to each other in hopes of having the others cover us from the danger barricaded by the doors that are about to be broken down. CRACK* the door slams to the ground as hordes of mindless zombies, slobbering over our flesh come rushing through like a flood. We hear bones cracking as they squeeze through the frame over each other: we unload. The grunts of the zombies are muted by the rhythmic sound of our guns gatling away. Smoke comes out of our barrel and piles of zombies lay before us. "Reloading!" we both yell again.

We run to the top of the mansion to find a military grade machine gun (ones that anti air to shoot down fighter jets.) A sigh of relief comes out but soon to be stuffed by the sound of thunderous pounding coming from the court yard. A massive being to which looked like a silver back gorilla with its skin peeled off come running towards us on its big knuckles. Khang unloads the military machine gun onto it until the gun over heats. To no avail, we run in circles as I throw a molotov cocktail at the beast to set it on fire. After unloading another 3 clips each into the mindless tank, it falls on its knees and dies (again I guess since it's a zombie...). We're both gravely wounded and limping with blood dripping out of gashes everywhere. My vision starts to get hazy and blurry but quickly adrenalin kicks in as I hear the radio signal us "The ferry is here! Make a run for the front gate! We're getting you out of here!"

I yell at Khang who's on the top floor, "RUN!" at this moment, a little humpback zombie capable of moving at the speed of a dog jumps onto Khangs head directing his movement near the rail of the upper floor. Hordes of zombies rush our other two companions and they become overwhelmed. A zombie pounces on one of them ripping through her flesh as another horde is stomping and kicking the other one. Khang falls from the upper floor with the zombie riding his shoulders. Meanwhile I'm halfway to the extraction point in the court yard to the ferry. I look back and realize two of them are now zombie food and Khang has a broken leg shooting the horde with his pistol. I have a med pack that can save him...but I'll need to clear that horde.

I run back as fast as I could with my limping leg and blurry vision. I unload magazines full of bullets to the zombies which were now stomping Khang. They fall around him. He yells back "Go back! Go back! I'm not going to make it! RUN!" As I spray another twenty zombies to the floor I scream back "No man I'm getting you out of here, stay alive! STAY ALIVE!" I manage to get to his side.

As I open my med pack to restore his vitality his shutting eyes widen. I look back and two more peeled silver back gorillas show up.

"Shit."

My hands were working as fast as they could while my eyes were peeled on the two giants. One of them charges towards us and I stop the patch work to throw a firey grenade hoping to deter it. I get rammed to the floor as the tank holds my waist and repeatedly slams me. Khang viciously unloads his pistol rounds into the monster's back. My vision is blurred with red as blood pours down from my head. It's so dark...I'm so tired...The last thing I see is the other beast stick his two hands into the ground pulling out a piece of the cement roughly the size of a table and chuck it towards Khang with speed and accuracy of a well aimed bullet. Crash I hear. Black I see. It's over.

I could have saved myself had I ran to the ferry. I died trying to save him. I failed; but no regrets.

We lean back in our chairs and take our hands off our mouse and keyboard. Look at each other
"FRIG! Damn tanks man, we need to kill them before running to the ferry for rescue!"
"Yo they just pop out of nowhere!"
"Frig, ok. Another round, we have to beat it this time"

We reload our game and our weapons and get ready for another round of zombie massacre. This is how we spend our nights. In front of our computer screens fighting zombie apocalypses =).

72 oz of wtf: Part 2 - The Aftermath

After eating the steak I felt quite disgusting. By the time I got home I started to feel dizzy and sluggish. The toilet never looked so good, that sexy thang. I punch myself in the back of the throat and what looked like motor oil came out - because you know, I'm a fricken machine.

I was kind of sad to see that amount go out the wrong end as we had joked about how I'd end up having a 3.5 lbs atomic bomb drop later on during the day. Whatever, I think 2 lbs would still be amusing. Surprisingly, I went to the washroom 5 times in the next hour. It had substance thanks to the fiber pills. I didn't feel any better though. My stomach was still uneasy and I felt numb in the lips. I think I must have ingested three days worth of sodium because I was drinking a liter of water every half hour. My stomach was too full but I needed it. Painful tradeoff.

I couldn't sleep until three in the morning and constantly woke up to drink more water. Worst sleep of all time. The humidity didn't help...and meat sweat never stopped.

The next day I felt hung over. Hung over from food? I never thought that'd be possible and the guy from Supersize Me was totally boosting. The whole day felt like a hangover recovery day and all my lifts at the gym dropped by 20-40 lbs.

Anyway, now I'm fully recovered. Would I do this again? Probably not. Maybe a 106 oz later on in life? Quite a possibility. I urge you guys to try the 72oz steak challenge if you THINK you can finish it. You learn a lot about yourself and life in general. All theories become real and tangible when you're faced with a piece of meat the size of a premature baby.

72oz of wtf: Part 1 - The Forequestion.

This is the account of my 72oz steak challenge experience.

When the steak arrived I kind of jumped because it was MUCH larger than I had anticipated. My heart plummeted and "Oh Shit" was bouncing off the walls of my mind. I look to the left and right of the beast of a steak and there they were: baby trees. There they were: baby BLAND trees like how white people love them - boiled. Gag reflex ready and in motion just thinking of eating those at the end of my meal.

I quickly dissect the meat in my mind into quarts and pieces. How shall I demolish you? Just grab and eat like a caveman? No, I'll be classy, for now. I cut one piece off and throw it into my endless abyss, the white square guardians go to work on the fleshy meat. Nom nom nom. My fork and knives go to work and the 4.5 lbs of beef gets shredded up like a pack of piranhas were thrown onto them.

The process repeats until 2/3 of the beef is gone. I check the time and only 10 minutes have passed. YES I'm going to make it for under 20 minutes I think to myself. As I go to cut that last 1/3 I realized that a flab of meat has been folded under another piece. DAMN IT. My mentality was that I had 1/3 left, not 1/2. Crap. My stomach is feeling it now and I kind of panic. No time to panic. Must win.

I stuff my face until my jaws start filling up with lactic acid and it's now sore. MY JAWS, SORE. That should paint a picture of how much meat I just had. The last 10 oz was beyond well done. I was swallowing what seemed like wood chips. No matter. Nomnomnom.

I now have 3 pieces left. THREE pieces lay before me blocking my path to glory. I make them my bitch. But then I realized the three guardians of the tree are protecting my holy grail of victory. Damn brocollis. So many of a vegetable. I quiver at the thought of being defeated. Into the abyss they go. For a moment, they fought back, I gag...but I knew that if I vomit I lose. Stay down bitches, stay down. I wash it down with a glass of cold water which had someone's fajita on the bottom of there like a dirty floater you see in public washrooms. Typically, gross. At that moment? Do not care. Victory so close at hand, I scoop the rest of my plate full of HP sauce and sauteed veggies...like a barbarian I stuff it down my face. Hands raised: I came, I saw, I conquered.

Rounds of applause go off and a standing ovation from my loving supporters. I couldn't have done it without all of you. 34 minutes of battle and I stand victorious. Now excuse me while I go wash my hands off from all this winsauce.

Hahahahaha

So my mom told me that her friend knows that I like Korean girls...and she wants to hook me up on like a blind date (this is getting kdrama) with a girl she works with in the lab. The girl is doing her Phd at UT...and she's my age. She must be a freaking IQ beast.

I have agreed for sole purpose of an epic reproduction possibility. Let's see where this goes.

BTW. Endless Love, one of the most epic duet of all time. Some girl sing it with me, I will give you a ring.

Waddayaknow?

A gr. 5 school teacher went up to this girl and asked her "What do you want to be when you grow up?"
The girl said "Happy."
The teacher looks at her blankly and pauses. She then tells her "No, I don't think you understood the question"
Before she could explain what she expects the answer to be the girl cut in and said
"I don't think you understand life."


PWNED.

Le Fin.

Please Hold On as We Connect You

Anyone ever try to quantify the quality of a relationship (familial, friends, girlfriend/boyfriend)? What makes the bond between two people strong? How can we really compare the link between two people as opposed to another?

Some relationships are bound by time, loyalty, likes and dislikes etc. But any relationship holding its weight on only ONE bond will never last. Friendships that lose its bond which eventually depend on the time bond will eventually fade away. Gf/bf relationships where only sex is the bond will eventually become meaningless. Even familial love feeding off one bond could become nothing more than an act demanded by societal norms and cultural expectations (although this by far is the hardest one to break even if it is holding on by one strand).

I think, then, each of our aim in life is to find more bonds with those that we care about. No doubt time will break some links but with effort time can create new ones as well.

I worry little about the bond between my friends and family because I think I'm good at maintaining and keeping fresh the binding agent between us. But after thinking things through I realize I'm not adequate at doing that when it comes to me being with a girl.

A lot of times I'll find myself interested in a girl because they're new and something I haven't experienced before (not sexually, assholes); then I charge head in first without really thinking "what really is the bond that's attracting me?" Many times it'll end up being just bonds that are insignificant: looks, ability to play piano, fondness of Street Fighter (I lied, the last one is UBER significant). I'm positive that I'm not the only one guilty of this. I realized that there are few girls I've truly respected in my past relationships and maybe that's why they didn't last. I think finding strong and significant bonds is the sure way of finding respect. I think mutual respect is one of the strongest bonds and one trait that can keep the "lovey dovey" feeling of relationships lasting forever.

These thoughts came up because I met a girl a while ago and had absolutely no attraction to her. As time goes by and more bonds are being built...this feeling of what I think love feels like is slowly creeping up. It's odd because this love is so stable and unemotional. But each day passes by and it becomes more and more real. I've never actually felt this way before so I'm confused to what this feeling/situation is. I'll continue to logic the living shit out of it until I get an answer. Until then, don't bother spamming me and asking me who she is ;).

Fitting Two Pieces From Two Jigsaws

John has this big ass jigsaw puzzle at his place that is the most frustrating thing in the freaking world. It's so annoying I'm still bitter till this day that I couldn't find ONE matching piece. But somehow amidst all those sides and pieces, one was meant to fit the next one beside it.

But I wonder...I really wonder if jigsaw puzzles from two DIFFERENT sets will fit each other. Now THAT's interesting. This thought lead me to thinking about relationships and the major wtf factor of it. I look around and I see these couples who are with each other and I truly think they are in fact two pieces from two different sets. Karen, possibly the most nonsensical person I know is with Leo, who used to be the human incarnation of the Tasmanian Devil (Looney Toons) shredding all across his path. Justin, grim and quiet and as much physical interaction like the "pause" sign on your dvd player, alongside Jen who's all sunshine lollipops and has to latch onto something like a fishing hook in a tree. James who's possibly the most oblivious person (punching girls in the face, kicking balls in peoples faces, smacking people in the nuts by accident, turning friendly horse play into real fights) with one of the most considerate people, Laura (Laura if you ever read this, brownie points right?)

How the hell do these things work out? Just like that damn jigsaw at Johns, it truly "puzzles" me (damn, I'm good today). It makes me wonder...these opposites or odd fitting couples...am I going to get an odd fitting piece too? I'm deep down the most nerdy person ever. I mean, I have Street Fighter and anime figurings by my bed. I like stupid nerdy jokes and cool little gadgets and gizmos. Am I going to end up with the coolest girl ever? (I mean stereotypically cool...like the girls I can't stand.) Or am I going to end up with the dumbest girl ever? (Please God no. Please) Or maybe I'll (no, really God, please don't. PLEASE!) end up with some really dull girl with no color or flare...What about Reggie? Maybe he'll end up with a girl that's REALLY considerate and not stubborn; actually, that's the only way I see it working with Reggie haha. Maybe Roy's going to end up with a girl that is the least materialistic person in the world. Maybe he'll get with like, an Amish chick.

Whatever it is, I just want to remind you odd pieces this: it's odd enough that you're together because it seems beyond all reason and logic. That in itself is already special and you should cherish things even more. Don't forget to appreciate the fact that you've found a fitting piece even when it's not part of the same puzzle. When she's looking beautiful don't forget to tell her. Walk up, look her in the eye and tell her, give her a kiss on the cheek or the forehead. Don't forget that small things matter because life isn't made up of a few big events; but more so a constant stream of little ones. Girls, doing the same for your man might be kind of weird...unless you're Laura and your boyfriend is James. He likes that stuff.

Personally though, I wouldn't take relationship advice from me. It's like a bum telling a businessman how to  make money ;).

Innocence

Man, I'm 22, almost 23 and already find life tiring. Every day feels like an uphill battle crawling towards some ultimate goal that feels like an endless distance away. Few things happen to be encouraging or relaxing to keep me chugging along.

Yesterday morning though, I saw something really heart warming. A family of three were walking ahead of me as I was heading towards my car for Finance meeting. The dad was wearing a suit, mom in sun dress and kid, who was around 5-7, just in innocent kid clothes. At first I thought "oh another strict looking Korean family heading to church." The kid was giggling and running around carelessly, so innocent to strifes of life and all that other bogus that piles on with age. His father looked weary and mom looked obedient and reserved - one of those moms that wouldn't dare make a peep if her husband gave her "the EYE." The sun was blazing high at noon and suddenly the nothing special trio broke into horseplay by the child's sudden stomp over his father's shadow. He laughed so purely as he again stomped over his dad's shadow and screamed "APPA! Chaemisuh!" This father had an iron face, one of those Korean men faces that bears no emotion with wrinkles hardened by experiences in life. I thought he was going to ignore the kid and keep walking. Dude was serious, dude was in a suit.

I keep observing and suddenly the father breaks out into a squat and hands up imitating claws. His child looked back at him, frozen by surprise....slowly as the sun would climb over those grey covering clouds, with eyes curled like a crescent moon, cheeks overflowing with flesh, the kid broke out in a happy laughter. The father started stomping around imitating a monster and they played together so innocently and lovingly. The mother slowed down her pace and watched with a satisfying smile. It was picture perfect and so endearing.

I didn't even know it, but I was stunned and stationary. I found myself smiling stupidly as I looked on at that happy family. They saw me smiling at their child, acknowledged me and went on their way. To me...it was something revealing. It's sad on one end...I mean, I can't even say I miss that because I've never experienced that as a child to begin with. But the encouraging part is that I vow to not rob my kids of that when they're here. My goal will be a winding path difficult to follow; but, I have full faith in God and my family that they'll keep me chugging along. It's my job to make their walk with me a memorable and enjoyable one. This is a responsibility I'll willingly take on.

What man can conquer the world if he can't even conquer his own family?

It was all a Dream

I had the oddest dream last night that had no logic. Follow my rabbit hole of a mind if you care/dare.

I was with Khang doing experiments on dogs (that looked like Maggie - Roy's dog). We were able to harness their ability to do physical labor and expand that by 1000% with this little strap thing we put on them (think Ironman fuel source heart thingy). So these dogs essentially became the most efficient workers- of-all-time. The thing is though, when we activate this power, the dogs turn into drones (Starcraft II Zerg miners that get minerals). The dogs are in pain when they are in drone form and are ugly as hell. So, obviously, being the kind hearted man that I am, I go against this scientific breakthrough of the century and possibly -of-all-time. Khang thinks otherwise and I demand him to stop. He wouldn't, he'd just smirk at me with these eyes that pissed me off.

I got SO angry I stormed out. I couldn't believe my business partner and someone so close to me would be so evil and heartless. I despised his ways and him. I ran back to our condo (we're room mates too in this dream...oh yea, our condo is like penthouse sick too) and was fuming on the couch (sick ass Italian leather sofa with some serious designer taste). He comes back and I yell at him and scold him at his heartless ways. "I QUIT, SULU IS DONE!" I dissolve the company. He looks lost to as why I'm so mad still.

Suddenly, our door busts open and Leo and Roy are here. Khang and I hold off our argument and the three of them go on to play some sort of video game on our 50 inch tv. I felt sad and angry so I turn around only to find a girl beside me. She takes my head and rests it in her lap. The moment I felt contact with her all the anger, pain and weariness inside me just dissipated. It was so relieving, relaxing, and revealing. I was at peace...didn't have a care for anything in the world but being close to her.

As sweet and corny as that sounds, suddenly my eyes caught focus of her chest. Her boobs were MASSIVE, like D cups (in real life, she does not have D cups...1/10,000 Korean girls have it...of that statistic 0.5 is a fake D. So 1/20,000 is real). I don't like anything past C cup so I was kind of disgusted. But at the same time I thought "Meh, what the hell?" So I dug my face into them like you would a pillow and continued my feeling of peacefulness. I looked up at her as I was digging and she smiled at me in the faintest way. I was happy for a moment and then I realized it was all a dream.

****Isn't it a weird dream? I can pin point why I had this dream and match up the sequences to reasons in real life. All the people in my dream are real too (minus the Zerg drone...maybe it is real though. Hyundai workers are actually Zergs). I also predict 8 messages asking me "So...Who's the girl??"

Simple Man, Simple Plans

So I'm listening to the song "Gentleman Don't" by Gabe Bondoc...and in the lyrics I think one of the most powerful lines in this lovey dovey song is

"I'm just a simple man, simple plans. I got to work to take care of my fam, I'm sure you understand"

A lot of times we try to identify ourselves with the songs we hear. We fit our memories into the lyrics, we fit our dreams and hopes into the songs that others sing. Just a month ago, I would have thought those lyrics fit me perfectly...But truth of the matter is that I am NOT a simple man - nor do I have simple plans. I'm as complicated as they come and I'll stop kidding myself by finding simple girls. I need a girl who can truly understand and appreciate complexity; willing to inquire and unfold never ending layers to my ridiculous mind. I need her to understand that my plans are grander than both of us and that she'll need to be willing to live it out with me. All of us need to stop kidding ourselves trying to fit our lives into someone else's shoes. Identify yourself, embrace it and live it. That's how God made us to be. The best way we can honor Him is to bravely walk the path He laid out for us even if it seems like at any time we could fall off.

"Dumbasses are dumb and asses" - ME!

Who can't stand dumbasses? Hands up with me. But man, if we're gonna be talking about dumbasses let's BREAK IT DOWN. This is about to get real scientific and ishhhhh.


People who are bad at school: These people don't qualify as dumbasses, you dumbass.


People who try to convince people they aren't dumbasses: People who ask stupid questions during lectures qualify. I don't mean the ones who ask questions that are easy. I mean the people who ask questions pretending to be insightful and educated whilst the question has absolutely no relevance to the topic at hand. Congratulations, you've won a prize. Claim your free asshat at the local guido club.


People who have NO common sense: Now, THESE people are dumbasses. They get in the way of EVERYTHING. You know those people who are clumsy and trip over anything , well tripping over is funny but when you're socially tripping over everything, you my friend, are a dumbass. 


People who are all up on that high school drama shit: THESE people are even a greater level of dumbassness. It's epic fail to even be in that situation at our age but they eat that shit up like they're flies. MMMM BULLSHIT love it and live it. Dumbass.


People who grunt at the gym: Alright, this gets pseudo science. If you're grunting and pressing like 95s on each hand, cool. If you're grunting on the LAST reps of the LAST set, cool. If you're grunting while pressing 25s on the first set of the first rep through the last set of the last rep...congratulations my friend, you-are-a-dumbass. You look, sound and SHOULD feel stupid. But you don't...which makes you an even bigger dumbass.


People who think they're so awesome they quote themselves: THE hands down dumbass king. How the hell do you figure you sound so awesome you have to quote yourself? Cmon man, seriously? I see this guy on facebook and I look at his info. This guys one of those REAL motivated, or seemingly so, people. Got quotes from everything and everyone regardless if they're applicable to life. I'm thinking "Wow, this guys so dumb" as I'm reading down his info and as I see the favourite quote section I figure it'd be something from a notable person. "Always press on! Never give up! One more time." - ME.


The motherfu-- quotes himself. Alright, let's step back a second...if you're Aristotle and bust out this
“We are what we repeatedly do; excellence, then, is not an act but a habit.” —Aristotle 
That is cool man. Congrats on that insight. Hell, the other side of the argument is that if you're as smart and insightful as Aristotle you wouldn't be caught quoting your own pretentious ass to begin with. No really, check Aristotle's facebook, dudes quoting Socrates instead (nerdy philosophy joke? No? Ok...)


This guy who quotes himself sounds like he's the captain of the asshat ship. Oh yea, ship has sailed LONG time ago. "One more time" Really? Sound like a Daft Punk song rolling out of the club. If you're really that quotable don't fret, other people will undoubtedly paraphrase you or even quote you. Don't quote yourself please, you sound more stupid than Birtney Spears: "I get to go to lots of overseas places, like Canada."


Likewise, on the contrary to Aristotle, the fact that you THOUGHT your quote was memorable brands some triple A quality dumbass seal into that ass you call a head. 

A Trip Down Memory Lane

I was digging for computer parts yesterday at my place and suddenly came across this cd pouch. It looked so familiar with the neat writing on pen marks on the front. I thought it was a pouch holding my PS1 games and thought "haha, maybe I should bust it out and play some of these games." As I unzipped my excitement grew. I was expecting colorful art of different games when I read "mix 1" Wtf is a mix one?

Then I realized...these were cds I made when I got my first walkman...these were fragments of who I was from grade 9 to 11. At first I didn't realize how significant this was but as soon as I popped in the cds it threw me back in the portal of time. Memories rushed to me. Feelings relived. Happiness, regret, pain all those emotions felt again 4 minutes at a time; one song at a time.

It was AWESOME. I kind of chuckled to myself because I remembered the person I was. It's nothing like the person I am now and is it for better or worse? I don't know. But in the age of mp3 players...we won't have music memory lanes anymore. Kind of sad, no?

If you guys find yours, take some time alone and pop it in. It'll be amazing. And if you ride in my car, ask me to pop in those cds...I had different music choices...Oh yea, if you find yours pop it in my car to give me a glimpse of you ;).

Your Song

I've come to the odd realization that in hard times, it's this song, your song, that makes things easier for me.

I feel a weight lift off my shoulders when this song randomly plays in the car when I'm driving.

Even though I don't get to see you much, you're my relief =P.

Inconsistency is a Plague

Recently, I haven't been very consistent with my readings. I know I made a public announcement stating that I no longer need to blog as an accountability tool. I hate to set aside my pride and retract that statement publicly but I will if I have to.

Inconsistency plagues many of us. Many people think it's because we're lazy or "something came up" or (insert any plausible excuse here). I'm not just talking about inconsistent with QTs or readings, I'm hitting all facets of life here. My workouts have been inconsistent too. I still go the same amount of days, but intensity waves on and off like our freaking exchange rate.

Here's what I noticed: when I am inconsistent with Christ, I am consistent with failure. Obviously those that read this blog know I'm not some over religious, over spiritual zealot (my life for Aiur!) but I mean this in the most practical sense, which I believe the bible most definitely is meant to be. I don't quite understand why it is that I consistently fail at things I want to do when I am inconsistent with Christ. Really, Jesus and working out have nothing in common. In fact, I heard dude was a huge ectomorph and wasn't getting enough protein. My studying has also taken a hit, I haven't been keeping up with my investment books. I'm like that fool that buried his denari. All jokes aside, I just thought I'd share with you guys about that observation. If I ever figure out what it is, I'll let you know. I'm sure you're interested in the reason behind the observation.

I don't like failing and so I'm going to be back on the road of consistency with Christ before all else. Well, all else will fall in place. I truly believe that.

Oh yea, coincidentally, part of today's reading:
Deuteronomy 28

Blessings for Obedience

 ¹ If you fully obey the LORD your God and carefully follow all his commands I give you today, the LORD your God will set you high above all the nations on earth. ² All these blessings will come upon you and accompany you if you obey the LORD your God: ³ You will be blessed in the city and blessed in the country.
 ⁴ The fruit of your womb will be blessed, and the crops of your land and the young of your livestock—the calves of your herds and the lambs of your flocks.
 ⁵ Your basket and your kneading trough will be blessed.
 ⁶ You will be blessed when you come in and blessed when you go out.
 ⁷ The LORD will grant that the enemies who rise up against you will be defeated before you. They will come at you from one direction but flee from you in seven.
 ⁸ The LORD will send a blessing on your barns and on everything you put your hand to. The LORD your God will bless you in the land he is giving you.
 ⁹ The LORD will establish you as his holy people, as he promised you on oath, if you keep the commands of the LORD your God and walk in his ways. ¹⁰ Then all the peoples on earth will see that you are called by the name of the LORD, and they will fear you. ¹¹ The LORD will grant you abundant prosperity—in the fruit of your womb, the young of your livestock and the crops of your ground—in the land he swore to your forefathers to give you.
 ¹² The LORD will open the heavens, the storehouse of his bounty, to send rain on your land in season and to bless all the work of your hands. You will lend to many nations but will borrow from none. ¹³ The LORD will make you the head, not the tail. If you pay attention to the commands of the LORD your God that I give you this day and carefully follow them, you will always be at the top, never at the bottom. ¹⁴ Do not turn aside from any of the commands I give you today, to the right or to the left, following other gods and serving them.

My Heart Is Breaking

I see a broken man shattered to pieces. His soul looks lost of purpose and reason because today, his brother died. Four weeks ago, we were laughing and having dinner. Three weeks ago, he was diagnosed with liver cancer. Two weeks ago, cancer spread all over his body. One week ago, liver ceased to function. One day ago, comatose. What seems like a moment ago, he was here; what seems like a moment ago, he's now gone.

I never, ever lose my cool. I can handle any situation no matter how stressful. I am a man that ducks no bullets nor turns away from any situation. Two days ago, the man barged into my office and said "Kevin, I have to go early." His hardened, manly ambitious eyes gave up and instantly became weary. He paused for a split second and as his eyes welled up he finished what he had to say - "my brother is dying."

We stared into each other's eyes for two seconds. In those two seconds I was trapped in time and frozen in action. It seemed like our eyes locked for minutes as I sat there blankly. I didn't know what to do. I couldn't speak. I did nothing. I lost my cool.

This scene is burned into my mind and I will never forget those eyes of panic and desperation. Today, after his brother passed away, I ran into him. His body was moving but his spirit was gone. A hardened man from the storms of life, just like that, lost all drive. He walks but isn't living. I gave him a hug and I wanted to embrace him and comfort him. As I wrapped my arms around him I felt a darting pain hit the pit of my stomach. My heart skipped a beat. I was so afraid so I let go. I walked away and I knew he just stood there for a second. I knew if I turned around he would break down. I knew if he broke down I would break too. I ran away like a coward. I ducked the bullet. I turned my back to the situation.

We think we know pain. What do we know about pain? Most of us hasn't experienced shit. What do we know? We're just dumbass kids.

Swearing is bad? FUCK THAT. Today I sinned hard. Today, I did NOT love my neighbor. Because today, I chose to love myself instead. God forgive me. Today, I repent. Strengthen me so that I will not buckle again. You have made it so that my friends lean on me, I can only lean on You.

Forex

I've started journaling about my forex trades. Just thought y'all should know. I never realized how powerful logging experiences is. Workout log, QT log, reading log, forex log. Good stuff!

When In Doubt, Pick C)

Urban myth? Retarded rumor to ruin random report cards? Who knows. But I am confident that all of you have heard of that saying some time throughout school. Some even go to say that B) is the new C) because the professors have caught on.

A multiple choice exam is usually preferred by people because it provides a SET of choices with ONE of them being correct. People can use different strategies to derive the right choice even if they have no clue what it actually is or means. Open ended, short answer exams destroy some people because they are left with many choices from the book and don't know which to pick. Work makes people panic because they have to choose an answer drawn from school and training combined. Life buries us because we have to act based on every single experience we've had up until the moment of a new choice. The reliable "when in doubt" choice becomes even less viable than it already is. Religious zealots will undoubtedly say in unison "when in doubt follow the bible." Basic instruction before leaving earth is just that, basic. The bible tells us WHAT we're supposed to do but does not say HOW. There are too many situations in life to encompass in such a thin book.

Whatever it is, school, work, or life, the best way to approach it is to know the theme. Everything we do, everything we learn has a theme. If we truly understand what something is SUPPOSED to be then all of our actions can gravitate towards that goal. You see, life has no right answers. Measuring the outcome of our choice is not a good way to measure the quality of our actions either. Too many random variables happen between our action and its outcome. In a G1 test, the best answer is always revolving around safety. In a work environment, generally, the best answer is always one that matches with the mission/vision statement. In life, the best answer is always revolving around your goal/calling.

Picking out the right answers isn't that hard. It's picking out the theme that's difficult.

Just One of Those Days

Do you guys ever get that? One of those days where all negative feelings and sadness overwhelms every part of you. Nothing you say or do makes you feel better. You wear a fake smile, opt for enthusiasm and struggle for positivity to no avail.

One of those days that feel hopeless and the outer brows constantly point downwards. One of those days that make you want to scream but you're trapped shut by your own sadness. It's one of those days that seem to last forever; every time you look at the clock only a minute has passed. You try to keep yourself busy so that you don't think anymore, only to realize you've frozen and ceased what you were doing staring blankly into nothing.

A day that blinds your view on all the good things God has blessed you with. It's a day where thankfulness is laid to rest while blame and guilt shreds into your soul like a wounded school of red piranhas on wounded cattle.

Rational thoughts mean nothing to you on those days because reason does not exist. Meaning in anything doesn't exist. In one of those days.

Just one of those days.

Scio me nihil scire or scio me nescire.

Stats, probability, all that junk seemed so confusing at the time. Looking back on it now, it's such a breeze. Relationships was so over complicated but is now so simplified. Human behavior that felt so random is so predictable. I NEVER get it right when I need to. With only time added to the equation, I start to understand everything better. I did nothing to increase my knowledge in any of those areas. For some reason, I'm just better at it. I want to know why so I don't lag behind anymore.

Throughout my life, it seems whatever I do, I'm always one step late in truly grasping it. During the time I'm doing something or am supposed to be doing it, I don't reach my potential. It's only AFTER I'm done with it that I truly understand the essence of what it is.

Whatever it is, I think that knowing something will cause us to do the right thing while believing in something will get us to truly do the thing right. At first, for all scenarios in my life, I KNOW what I'm supposed to do. But I don't really believe in it so I don't really care. Of course, this leads to poor results. It's only after I mature through time that I start to believe in concepts in those areas. Doing them now is much easier because believing brings things to life. Now it's needless for me to draw this parallelism to faith right? Thought so.

Anyway, what do I know? I'm just some runt rambling. Two years from now my views might even change again. But I think Socrates said it best: I know that I know nothing.

AWKWARDDDDDDD

http://www.toptenz.net/top-10-awkward-bible-stories.php

AWK-SOME.

Lost and Found

You know why a show like Lost is so amazing? It's not because J.J. Abrams has some epic shots of an island around Hawaii; Nor is it a cast of hot chicks or even a great story line. It is so acclaimed because the people on the island, each and every one of them are so lost...and as the show progresses they gradually find themselves.

The process intrigues us as we're revealed how the hero and anti-hero are all human. I mean, even the most righteous will be selfish and make stupid decisions that disregards everyone else's well being. Even the anti hero will sacrifice himself for one he loves. You see, on the lost island, everyone puts down their front eventually and reveals who they really are.

This is a chilling revelation. The only time any human will show their true color is when they just don't care anymore. True color comes out when we have no hope or care for consequences. What's that say for our society? NONE of us truly know each other. So a lot of people wonder why their bf/gf changes after a relationship goes long term. Well, they didn't change. You just didn't know them. I guess you should feel good that they chose to reveal themselves to you because they don't care anymore about you judging them. At the same time, you should probably feel terrible because we only complain when change is in the direction we don't like =).

While that may hold true for a general population, we as Christians should really try to be real. But really, what do we do? Should we show our ugliness and let other people judge Christians by our ugly true selves? Maybe we should. The last thing I want to be is an oasis mirage to someone dying of thirst.

Up Dog

I've been kind of on a blogging hiatus since I got deathly sick last week. It was indeed salmonella...my guess was the raw ass chicken nuggets on Sunday. Anyway, I'm alive and kickin so it's all good.

Well, in the last week of sickness I've fallen lots of times. My readings were very inconsistent, I think i read 4/7 days...I failed in another aspect too that I'll fess up with my SG. I didn't work out either. For some reason, working out is the bond that binds me and God. Weird right? I can't wait to hit the gym tonight.

Anyway, for the amount of times I've fallen last week I've come to realize how thorough God's grace is. A dirty, revolting person like myself can be loved through Jesus. I wonder which is more mature in our faith...fighting to follow Jesus and think we CAN be perfect like Him...or realizing that we CAN'T ever be like Him. Isn't it only after realizing the second scenario that we can really see what grace is? Something to think about.

On a non spiritual level, I had a great new year/vday weekend. (You made me remember what excitement feels like. Thanks Texas ;). You left as swiftly as you came...I'll see you soon hopefully =P)

Broken Hearts/Broken Promises

A memory etched in my brain forever:

"I don't want to! I hate it, I hate it, I hate it!"
"...What? Stop...why are you freaking out?"
"I don't want to be that girl"
"...You don't want to be my girl?"
"I know I'm just going to be that girl who preps you into a better man so that another girl would end up having you"
"........no, you won't..I promise."

A conversation between my first girlfriend and I.
That was the first promise I've ever broken. It was the first pair of hearts I've ever broken. 

After each heartbreak we wonder how to take away the pain. It seems like it'd last forever and each moment in itself is already forever. But really, to triumph over such simple matters of the heart (yes, simple) is just a faithful leap away. Believe that God has it all planned out for you...and if you truly have faith in that, you have the good, the bad, and the ugly of every experience as a stepping stone to what He has ultimately written for you. We meet people for a reason and each of them serve a purpose in our life. If we realize that, we can wholesomely accept ended relationships and lovingly embrace new ones.

The only problem is, no one can help you believe it unless you want to. Too many times we hold on to what was and never let go. We're afraid that if we let go it will be gone, forever. I wouldn't say it's the case. Every finished relationship, although ended, still has its everlasting effects on us regardless of what we want to believe. It becomes a part of us and shapes us into what we're to be...all in His time.

I think this is what my last relationship taught me the most. I learned how to be at peace no matter how much it hurt at one point. I had to break a heart...and it hurt me even more. But amidst the pain, wisdom sprout up into understanding. Sometimes I wish I hadn't...but it's the way things are and that's the way things will be. I know it made me a better man and I can love the next one better.

How many more stairs until I reach the top? I hope the next one is the last step because I'm getting tired of climbing.

Here, bring your innocence back and forget the hurt. This one's for you http://pixdaus.com/single.php?id=134255
Cute, right?

God and Listerine: Both Sting

No matter what I do, I always ask God to speak to me. I mean, having a monologue makes you feel quite retarded and self absorbed really. So this morning, as I took a big swig of Listerine, God spoke through the unbearable sting like a burning bush in my mouth.

"IDIOT!" he belted as the blue water of acidic death swirled its way to every crevice of my mouth. "GOD DA--" I screamed internally as I tried to fathom why the friggen hell I did that.

At that moment I've come to realize how GREEDY we have become. We think if there's MORE of something, it must be better than less. More Listerine? DIE you gingivitis inducing bastards! More food? SATISFY my cravings! More working out? MELT you damn jiggly fat.

No, not really. More Listerine burns like a bitch. More food makes me walk like the hunchback of Notre Dame. More working out makes me feel handicapped.

Wanting to be close with God with MORE? Well, that leaves us feeling not good enough and it hurts so bad. I'm not saying one day we won't reach that level. But honestly, right now, few of us can truly take in that large amount of God. People who do competitive eating train for that kind of stuff so they can take in a little bit more every time. People who workout do it gradually so they can push a little bit more every time. And well, people with good oral hygiene must sip a little bit more every time to build up tolerance to that ungodly burn. Stop looking for instant fixes thinking that stuffing your face with the bible will instantly bring you closer to God. Frankly speaking, you probably aren't ready to handle that much glory. What happens after a retreat high? You get STUFFED with spiritual food while you're there and when you come back you lose it all. Then you walk like the hunchback of Notre Dame with your head down in shame and heart stinging. Get real, you couldn't handle it.

Take it slow. A little bit is already enough for us. It's about being consistent...and building up that faith. Stop wanting everything to just instantly plop in front of your face...less is more my friends =).

For My Audience

http://visboo.com/Jesus-Christ-and-the-Present-Time.html

To everyone who reads my blog, thoughts? I think it's deep and quite beautiful.

A Glimpse of the Future?

"Today, I woke up and my wife was more beautiful than I'd ever seen her. We've been married 15 years. GMH"



"Exactly 8 months ago my grandpa lost his battle with cancer. By the end he couldn't talk and wouldn't respond to any of us. A few moments before he took his last breath, he looked at my grandma and said clear as day "I love you". They were married 51 years. GMH!!"

=)